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| THIS IS NOT A JOURNAL.
You will not find witty banter or book reviews on this page. You will not find relationship advice or recipes.
You will, however, find some very interesting and bizarre conversations.
This is not a journal... this is quite literally my life.
This is where my headvoices and I come to talk, to discuss our life situations, and/or to philosophize on whatever issues are troubling us that day.
It's a raw stream of consciousness and it's not for the faint of heart.
It is, however, the most honest insight you will ever get into our lives.
Feel free to read if you wish, but do watch your step.
Red = Me
Violet = Laurie
Aqua = Chaos Zero
Orange = Genesis (Selph)Purple = XenophonCrimson = LynneBrown = SpineYellow = Josephina
Teal = Natalie
Navy = Leon
Pink = Julie
White = Mr. Sandman
No longer speaking:
Blue = Jessica (Deceased)
Green = Jacob (Quoted only)
Lime = Vickie (Quoted only)
Gray = Vezerai (Guest only)
Old entries may not adhere to this color code. For example:
Lynne originally spoke in orange, before she fully manifested.
Genesis originally spoke in yellow.
Josephina originally spoke in lilac, but this has been corrected to match his new color.
This list will be regularly updated to reflect the current speech coloration.
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| Laurie, I need to talk to you.
Right now?
Yeah. Sorry it took me so long to get on here. I had an auditory meltdown earlier and my mind's just been a mess since Tuesday.
You sure you can channel? You're not reaching me very well.
I'm not?
Nope. You feel really far away.
I wonder why?
Beats me. Probably exhaustion is all.
Well, in any case I do need to talk. About this morning, in light of the past few days.
Figures. What's the deal?
Tar dream hacks are very different than Julie's, despite them both coming from the same source. Julie would be direct to the point of trauma. I don't want to talk about that.
Then don't.
But the tar hacks are... insidious. Most times I don't even realize I'm being used until the last second, because they're so indirect, but it's horrifying.
Is that what happened today?
Yeah. Even if it wasn't... graphic, it was deeply disturbing. And of course having my entire body screaming in rebellion as soon as I wake up, which is inevitable, doesn't help either.
Hm. I guess not.
What do I do?
About the hacks?
Not just that, but... dealing with them. I don't think the tar hacks can be stopped on a dream level, unless I learn to go lucid, or something. But... they get to me so badly. I blame myself for them and I can't tell if they're my fault or not.
Why the hell would they be your fault?
I don't know! I just can't tell. It feels like I should be held morally responsible, even if I had no say in the event at all, simply because I was the one suffering from it.
See, that's one fucked-up perspective. You'd never do that to someone else, would you?
Of course not!
Then why are you doing it to yourself? Seriously J, that's one hell of a hypocritical situation.
I know. It just... feels like... like I should be blamed. Maybe it's my old sacrificial drive acting up. Where I felt I had to be the scapegoat for the world even if I didn't understand one iota of it. I was the only person I was aware of, I cannot become someone else, and somehow that existence justified my reprehensibility? I don't know how to explain it.
Is that tied into your separation thing?
Why?
Sounds like it could be. "I cannot become someone else," and that makes you blameworthy in your eyes. Are you dubbing yourself the world's biggest sinner simply because you can't be everyone and everything?
I don't know. That's a good question. Because I've never been able to make sense of that viewpoint, as it centered solely on the idea that "you are you, and only you, therefore, you are perpetually at fault." And even if I couldn't explain that, it made perfect sense, paradoxically. I didn't understand it and yet I felt obligated to believe it as some sort of far-reaching universal truth.
That's not a universal truth at all, J. You know what is though.
...Yeah.
And here we go again with the paradoxes. Why the hell can't you love yourself, kid?
I feel too separate.
You feel separate? From what?
Myself.
...The fuck? How does that work?
It might be the physical/nonphysical dichotomy. You know who I am, Laurie.
Yeah, without a doubt.
And that's me. I know me. This is me, there's not a fragment of disbelief in that. But when I... whenever something happens to me in earthspace, it feels wrong? Disconnected?
Like there's an insurmountable wall between you and the world.
Kind of. Like... like I'm being forced to split in half. Oh, and because this world makes me identify with the body and it's not me! Yeah, I'm supposed to respect it and take care of it, but it's a gestalt machine and whenever people compliment me on looks or tell me to judge myself based on biological characteristics or something like that, it feels...
Wrong.
Objectively so. I hope I'm making sense, I feel utterly displaced.
Why? That audio shit from earlier?
Yeah. That was scary. There was so much noise, I actually started to pass out or something simply because my head could not handle that much sensory information. I had to go lay down and cover my head with pillows just to see straight.
Yeah, I saw.
I just get overloaded like that. But the 'shutdown' thing is worrisome. My mind... does that with a lot of things now.
I know.
Thanks to my PTSD. "I can't handle this, I can't escape it, so let's just pull the plug and black out until the situation changes!" Oh, and that's the problem I had with this morning! People usually tell me to "suck it up, take it like a man, don't let it bother you," but Laurie I was raped and I just... I can't.
I know.
I'm sorry. I feel like an idiot for talking about it.
Don't you fucking dare. You have every right to talk to me about this.
But do I? I'm supposed to... to transcend this. Beyond black and white. As a Spark.
You're supposed to acknowledge the split though, as I keep repeating.
...Why is that? Why is it that, when I go through something so damaging, my first reaction is the inevitable pain, and my second one is to deny it because "you have no right to take a negative stance on this?"
It's called blinding yourself to your own emotions because you're not typically allowed to express them, are you.
...Am I?
Not by others, no. Look at your family. Look at your society. "Take it like a man," right? That translates to "shut up and stop complaining," which is another phrase I daresay you're far too familiar with.
Unfortunately.
So. No, you're not being allowed. On the other hand, nothing is stopping you from breaking that inflicted rule except your own inferiority complex, which, ironically, seems to have gained an iron foothold from that very fucking problem.
It has. Oh, but that's the other thing. Am I making an identity out of this? Because I can't.
Out of what?
All the pain I've been through. I realized it today, when I was thinking about all those diagnoses I've had tossed at me over the years. Aspergers, possible schizoid, gender identity disorder, depression, PTSD. So many labels. And then you get treated according to those labels, both medically and socially, and even when I'm online people declare these things right out in the open and when I so much as mention them it sounds ridiculous, idiotic? Like "how dare you label yourself." But... isn't that just acknowledging that I do have concerns that are different from someone who does not have those 'labels?' And asking that those concerns and boundaries, et cetera, be respected?
I don't see why it wouldn't be.
Because it also feels like "I have to fit these labels," or worse, like I'm defining myself by them.
Are you?
I can't tell! Like, listen, I'm an aspie and I know that I am very sensitive to light and sound and that sort of thing. But when I get overloaded, like today, and I just cannot take all that stimulation, does voicing that concern mean I'm "identifying" with that disorder? "Argue for your limitations and you'll get to keep them?" What am I even doing? I feel like I have no right to voice an opinion because then I'll be fabricating a role for myself based around that, even if it's only as temporary as the time it takes for me to say it.
Why the hell are you so concerned about this identity thing?
It's the separation issue. My heart hurts from being so separate. And... forming an "identity" just feels like I'm cutting myself off even more. "I'm queer, so I'm 'separate' from cis people." "I've been abused, so I'm 'separate' from people who haven't been." Why does it feel so wrong to acknowledge that?
Fuckin' beats me, kid. I guess this is why you don't make much progress in the social scene either?
Sounds like it. "So what do you like?" Well... why is that a question? What does it matter? What does it mean to 'like' something? I get told that I'm looking too much into this, but that is legitimately how I feel, and I don't understand the world when it gets like this. "So what's your name?" Well... what's in a name? I go by an initial most days, Laurie, you know that...
Yeah. One letter, the closest thing you can get to nothing at all.
Exactly. This is so weird. But the biggest question is, with the dream hack and everything that led up to it and is hiding behind it... I hurt. It damaged me, it scarred me. So is saying that right or wrong? Or am I the one making a mess out of this by making it so black and white?
There's a perspective that might work.
Agh, it's just the identity thing. It feels like I'd be identifying with the pain by acknowledging it.
Is this why you keep sweeping your scars under the rug? Is this why you refuse to even tell your therapists why you're seeing them in the first place?
...Yeah.
Shit. Jewel, listen, I don't give a damn if this gives you an 'identity' or not, this has to stop. You're hurting yourself way too fucking much.
So... what do I do?
If it hurts, talk about it. Express that. Don't fucking ignore it, and DON'T blame yourself for it!
But... but am I the one making it hurt?
Fuck NO! Jewel, you were ABUSED. That is going to hurt whether the fuck you say it does or not!! Don't you understand me??
...I...
God, Jewel, stop blaming yourself for this shit. You are NOT at fault. You forgive Julie, don't you?
Yes, a thousand times yes.
Then forgive yourself. If you can forgive the person who unwillingly did this shit to you, you can sure as hell forgive the person who unwillingly suffered through it.
Was it unwilling?
Jewel, for God's sake, that meltdown on Tuesday was all the proof either of us should EVER need that it was the most fucking unwilling thing you could have ever done.
...
It was. God damn it. Jewel, if someone calls you a girl and you immediately shatter to fucking pieces because it reminds you of that shit, you don't want that to happen!!
I don't?
NO! Why the fuck are you trying to convince yourself otherwise?!
I can't tell, Laurie. That's what I mean by the identity thing. Yeah, people calling me female is practically the biggest trigger I have. But... can I turn it off? Can I make it so that female perception won't trigger me?
You could, maybe, in time. But if you can't at the moment, that is NO fucking reason to act like you're at fault for what caused it to hurt in the first place!!
I guess not.
Now make sure you fucking believe that, because seriously Jewel, this is unnerving the fuck out of me.
Why?
You are essentially blaming yourself for everything the tar does. God, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.
...I can't tell anymore.
It's not, God damn it. It's not. Do I have to fucking cut my arm off to convince you?
No! Why would you do that?
Because look at all the goddamn scars I have too. I bled with every drop you shed, kid. And I didn't complain because I was protecting you. I saw how horrified you were so I KNOW you didn't want a damned moment of this shit. I'd fucking die right now if it would convince you that you were blameless concerning this shit. You are NOT at fault. You did NOT want any of this, and God damn it, you have GOT to stop trying to convince yourself otherwise. I would do anything to keep you safe at this point, but it's frightening as hell because it feels like now I have to protect you from yourself.
...
Tell your therapist about this. I don't give a damn how terrifying that notion is for you. Tell him that you have been through this shit, and that it is still haunting your every waking moment, because until you get it off your chest to someone other than me, you are going to bottle that shit up until it kills you. I know you would, because you still don't think it's valid. It is fucking valid as hell.
It happened upstairs. They'll think I'm crazy.
I don't give a shit, it still happened. The mind and the body both affect each other, and just because something happened upstairs doesn't mean it's irrelevant. You know that for a fucking FACT. You have the scars and the salvation to prove it.
...
If this damned society only judges tangible things as valid then fuck them. But you know otherwise, and a therapist who works in the field of the mind should at least acknowledge that reality is stranger than fiction, and that NO ONE should ever fucking go and call your life invalid because most of it wasn't directly observable.
My head is an event horizon. No one outside can ever see what's in here.
Maybe not, but that shit's still there. That's a fact.
...So should I tell him?
Go ahead. You're just afraid of it 'conflicting' with your other concerns though, aren't you.
Yeah. That's a different point though.
Still a point. "Oh hey, we can't do a damn thing about your Aspergers or GID because they're conflicting with your asexuality and shit!" I've heard all about it, J.
I know.
And if you go and throw PTSD in there, especailly of a sexually abusive nature, especially of a "I was repeatedly raped by a woman in headspace" nature, you're terrified of what the fuck they're going to think. Sorry for bringing that up, but it's the truth.
Yeah.
You know what I think?
What?
It's worth a shot nevertheless. You can't hide this forever, not after Tuesday night. Whether you decide to acknowledge it or not, it IS happening. You're suffering, badly. And this needs to be dealt with.
Why do I keep trying to talk to people about it though?
Because you're desperate. You're emotionally distraught. You've been torn to pieces and you have never been able to talk about it, you've never been told that you weren't at fault by anyone other than me and Chaos and the gang up here, and guess what? No one else has ever said that was valid either. Your daily life is peppered with triggers and by the time the day is out sometimes you're full of bullet holes and you won't even dare to say so! Why the hell not?
...I don't know. Why don't I feel I have the right to talk about this?
Because you feel it would be stepping on someone else's experiences. You've said this before?
Why?
Fuck if I know. But see, I like this. You're getting frustrated by your own damaging beliefs. This is good. Throw that shit out if it doesn't work.
...I feel like Estar again. "There is no hell... there's just the places we end up."
But you know better than to think that hell is somewhere outside of here, don't you.
...
You are in hell, as long as you think like this. "I deserved everything I got, sorry if that sounds selfish," right? Well kid, last time I checked, you didn't work for the GCN. And I thought we discussed that the whole 'deserving' thing is total shit, too.
Trying to go above black and white, huh?
Trying to, yeah.
That's where my guilt is coming from.
Listen, you're only seeing that one side of it though. Yeah, everything works out for a greater good, sure. But it's STILL split down here, and that does NOT mean to just sit back and let all the morally ugly shit happen. You've read that too. Things won't work out for the best unless you do your part, so to speak. And that applies to this. Just because you learned from your pain doesn't mean the pain doesn't count anymore. Yeah, you learned, but you also need to deal with the pain you overlooked in your years of self-searching. You were so convinced that it was all your fault that you never let yourself heal, not correctly.
...What do I do, Laurie? If this isn't my fault...
It's not.
...Why does it keep happening?
I have no fucking idea. I really don't. Maybe it's just to push us towards conversations like this. Maybe it's just to force you to deal with it. Ever think of that? Maybe one day it'll be too much to blame yourself for anymore, maybe one day it'll hurt too damn much to ignore and you'll actually take the steps needed to heal. And honestly, I thought Tuesday was it.
...It was.
But we thought October 29th and January 27th were it, too.
...Those were different sorts of ultimatums.
No, they weren't. They all tied into this same goddamned topic in the end.
It's heartbreaking, Laurie.
I know.
No, I keep re-reading all our past entries and wanting to cry because man, how did I forget this? Am I really so disconnected from myself that I ignore all your advice because I still feel worthless at some deeply unconscious level? And that's the identity thing!! Some part of me identifies with these problems so it doesn't want them to change. I do. I want them to change, Laurie. God, I don't ever want the 17th to happen again, I couldn't stand seeing that pain in Chaos' eyes, or yours, or my daughter's...
I know..
And I'm dead serious. Just... I love you, Laurie. I love all of you. And something tells me that, in the end, that's the only thing that's going to save me from all this shit I'm putting myself through.
No kidding. You know what your role is.
...So that's why I'm worried about the identity thing. Something in me is identifying with the wrong things. It's identifying with my limitations, with my labels. And yes, I guess I do need to acknowledge when I have a problem? But when does that cross the line? When does that change from "can you please be respectful of my concerns" to "these concerns are part of who I am as a person?" Because I see no difference, which is scary, because it's making me think that I have no right to seek a safe and happy life for myself.
You do.
If I identify with anything, it's love. That's it. That's all I want to be, ever. But... I need to get rid of all that other stuff before that's going to shine clearly.
So get rid of it.
How?
First step is still acknowledging that it happened, and that it hurt you, bottom line. You know that is the truth.
I don't want to identify with the pain though.
How the hell would that even happen?
Like... it's like I said, "I was abused," then you go and define yourself by it. I don't want that! But it's the truth, and denying it is denying myself the right to say "I don't deserve that sort of treatment," and... it's so confusing.
No shit, you're making my head spin.
Sorry. But I do need to figure this out.
Do we have the means to figure it out right now?
Maybe... let me think. It's conflicting with my view of "it is as it is."
How? You at least accept that, don't you?
Yeah. It happened, that's a fact. But... I'm resisting it still? I didn't want it to happen to me so I'm in pain? Can I just... should I just let that go? I don't know. Somehow that doesn't feel right. Um... can I make an example here?
Sure.
All right, uh... I had a college ACLU meeting on Thursday. We were trying to figure out what discussion panels to have in the future, and then what do you know, someone brought up prostitution for some reason.
Ouch.
Yeah. Immediately I went from open to completely locked body language, and I didn't notice until after I found myself in a knot, my stomach sick. And I realized it was resistance. I didn't want to be reminded of what I had gone through, of what she had gone through, of all the pain. But there it was, and they didn't know about it. I forgave them, sure, how could I not? They brought up a painful topic but it wasn't something blameworthy. Even so... it threw me off for the rest of the day. And it worries me that it feels wrong to react like that, but it also feels wrong to pretend that nothing ever happened to me?
Then maybe don't... let it get to you so badly? I don't fucking know. You were talking about that pain-body shit before and that's what it sounds like to me.
I thought so.
Yeah. It's triggers. You can't avoid the damn things but maybe you can control how you react to them? Don't deny that you had pain concerning them in the past, but don't let them fuck up your life again.
True. I have every right to choose whether or not I allow that to affect me.
Right.
But it feels wrong when applied to the actual event. It feels like I'm essentially saying that, although I was abused, I didn't have to let that hurt. It did hurt, that was inevitable, like you said!
But you don't have to let it run your life, I guess.
...No, I don't. Even so I can't seem to separate that from the idea of denying the event itself.
And that's a problem, yeah.
I think it's because... I don't know, it's that damned identity thing again. I want to let go of it for good, but when the dream hacks keep re-opening those wounds it's a little tough.
I hear you.
Geez. I'm not sure what to do... I can't think straight.
Too much noise?
Yeah. My brain keeps trying to shut down because it can't make sense of all the different sounds at once. I'm sorry.
You want to keep talking?
Just a little bit more. I want to make sure I understand this right.
What?
Whatever I have to do. I have to not let the pain-body thing be triggered anymore, because I don't want to let it run my life. Yeah I suffered but I don't want that keeping me from being happy now.
But you still have to heal from that suffering.
Yeah. And I'm not sure how to do that?
Hm. Beats me, actually, now that we have this perspective. Sounds like letting go would do it, but I get what you're saying. You don't want to just bandage this up or look the other way. You want it to stop fucking bleeding.
Yeah.
I still say you at least run this by your therapist, and tell him about the identity thing too while you're at it. That could help, the guy seems to understand that shit on at least a logical level.
True.
So try it out, okay?
I will. But... hm.
What?
What am I trying to heal again?
The fact that even if you want to let go, you can't yet. You're too deeply hurt and you've never acknowledged it entirely. Plus you keep blaming yourself for God knows what reason.
That was a result of denying my own pain, in an effort to 'let it go.'
God we just keep going in circles, don't we?
Not really, at least not this time.
No, it sounds like it to me.
...
Listen, you want to close this up? I think this is something you need to mull over by yourself.
You help me so much, though. I at least wanted to hear your perspective on it.
Listen, J. You want to know my perspective?
What?
You didn't... you didn't 'deserve' any of this shit, for lack of a better word. It wasn't punishment, let's put it that way. You're not at fault.
I can't believe that though.
Why the fuck not?!
I've got this view that I am completely and unquestionably responsible for everything that happens in my life, even if someone else does it.
Jewel, that 'someone else' has free will. You're not making them do jack shit.
Maybe it's because I was blamed as a kid. "You're the reason this family is a mess." I guess I internalized it and never let go. But see, here's that problem again. I feel guilty for even suggesting that someone else put that idea in my head.
But they did, at least partly.
Partly, yeah. I accepted it. I didn't know any better, as a kid.
There you go. So stop blaming yourself for something you can't change now.
I guess so.
I know so. Keep going.
So I do need to let go of that. I think that'll just be an exercise in willpower, and keeping love at the forefront of course.
That, that's it.
What?
Love. I keep telling you, keep that in mind at all times and shit will just fall together. Just watch, I promise you it will. And learn to love yourself for God's sake.
No no no, that's separation again! I just have to accept myself as me, not to view it as something separate that I must 'love' or 'hate.'
Oh, shit. Now I see what you mean.
Exactly! It's too much of a split!
How the hell do we overcome this damn split though? It seems to be there no matter what we do!
I know...
God. I can see why you're so frustrated with this.
I'm trying not to be.
You're denying the fact that it's frustrating.
No, it's... well, it definitely can be, but I guess I can choose whether or not to let myself get frustrated?
...Point. All right, fine. Deep breaths, calm the fuck down. What are we solving now? The separation thing?
Yeah, ironically.
Ironically?
You know, how we're all connected, we're all one, we're all bits of the universe experiencing itself subjectively, so to speak. I love that. It's what I feel like deep down and I've never been able to put words to it.
Yeah, you're always saying how you feel like you're a part of everything.
Because I am. So are you. That's just how it is, and I love it. So... so this separation thing, from myself or anything, because of identities or fears or whatever, actually makes me feel sick. And as soon as I remember the connectedness thing, it all goes away and I just float... but sadly society doesn't like people who do that.
Yeah, no fucking kidding.
It's tough and that's sad. We have to work with the system right now, and the system does not sync with this. It breaks my heart some days. But, that's how it is... at least for now. We can work to change it, as long as we don't resist how it is now, because that's kind of missing the point...
Wait, wait wait wait.
What?
That. "We can work to change it." You've been denying that up to this point.
Have I?
Yeah. You've been focusing on the past.
But I can't change the past.
I didn't say you can. You can change the future, as long as you don't resist the present, because ironically that's what the future will be when it 'gets here.' You're kind of resisting, and in doing that you're denying change.
...That... actually makes sense.
Well think about it. If you deny that now is even happening, how the hell are you supposed to change what comes from it?
Yeah, that's what I got.
So it once again just boils down to you accepting this shit, but then you DO have the right to take steps to change the outcome of the situation as long as you don't get attached to end results or whatever the hell that stuff is.
Yeah, attachment isn't good either. Just let things be as they are.
Huh. It's kind of confusing.
Because we're intellectualizing it. We can't be doing that, haha.
So why the hell are we in here talking about it?
I didn't mean to segue into a spiritual discussion, but I guess I needed to. Either way, we are definitely thinking too much right now.
Sounds like it. Listen, just be yourself, and you know what I mean by that.
Yeah, I do.
Be you. Not the fake identity you're so afraid of becoming, not what other people see you as, not any of that shit. Be you, pure and simple, that's it.
...You know, Laurie, that reminds me of something.
What?
It doesn't.... doesn't seem to tie into that directly. But you know how my mind works. I see connections in things, and that's what I thought of when I read that.
Read what?
Be me, what does that mean? Think about my title, realize that is true if only in a symbolic way, understand that I am love beyond everything else, remember when I feel that more clearly then ever... remember something I read about it.
And what did you read?
Something on Tumblr. It... made me think of Chaos and I, immediately. Let me quote it... “Become loving. When you are in the embrace, become the embrace. Become the kiss. Forget yourself so totally that you can say, “I am no more. Only love exists.” Then the heart is not beating, but love is beating. Then the blood is not circulating, but love is circulating. Then eyes are not seeing, love is seeing. Then hands are not moving to touch, love is moving to touch. Become love and enter everlasting life. Love suddenly changes your dimension. You are thrown out of time and you are facing eternity. Love can become a deep meditation, the deepest possible. Lovers have known sometimes what saints have not known.”
...That's you two in a nutshell, yeah.
It's beautiful. And it's so true.
See, that is what I meant. Remember that. Remember what you feel then, and never forget it.
...Laurie?
What?
...I kind of want to feel that with you one day.
...
I do. Maybe in a different way, because we are working with diamonds after all, but... I don't know, I still want to be able to... love you, somehow.
...I know.
Do you really?
You tell me all the fucking time, Jewel.
And then January 1st, yeah.
...
Sorry.
Why the fuck are you sorry? There's nothing to be sorry for.
Really?
Yeah, fucking really. There is absolutely nothing worthy of apology in anything you've said to me so far.
...I guess I just don't want to hurt you.
Jewel, you can't hurt me. That's another choice thing. Maybe not even. I love you, that's just how it works. You know that better than I do.
Love negates negativity.
Exactly.
Why do you still have walls up?
...Maybe I'm identifying with my walls.
Are you?
Maybe. Maybe. I've had them up for so damn long I think maybe part of me is... I'm too used to being the tough guy around here. The thought of letting all that go is... scary, almost.
I understand.
Yeah, you would.
...There's another quote I found that I just want to mention here. “Understand your darkness and it will vanish; then you will know what light is. Understand your nightmare for what it is and it will stop; then you will wake up to reality. Understand your false beliefs and they will drop; then you will know the taste of happiness.”
Maybe that's something we both need to remember right now.
Yeah. I think I'm going to put that one on my wall, right where I can see it. Just so I will always be reminded.
Wake up.
What?
Wake up. I'm reminding you, aren't I?
...Every second, love. You know I'll never be able to thank you enough for showing up in my life like that.
Fuck, it wasn't even intentional. It was just something I did. Something I had to do.
Well there you go. It still means the world to me, Laurie.
...
It does.
I know.
...I think maybe we should close this up.
No, no, not yet.
Why?
We... never talk like this. Ever. Usually it's you and Chaos in here after the discussion is over just getting all philosophical. Never us.
That's true.
...Thanks, kid.
For what?
For never giving up on me. And yeah, I know it's not something you ever saw as an effort either, it was just something you did. And I know I've thanked you for it before. But the sentiment is the same as yours. I can't ever thank you enough.
Never giving up on you how, though?
Jewel, I was a bitch. Maybe nowhere near as badly as Julie was, but I was one hell of a monster in my own right.
No you weren't.
See, you don't see that. But I was brutal. Even if I cared somewhere down deep beneath the surface, I sure as hell didn't show it very well. So when I say you didn't give up on me, I say that more from my perspective than from yours. I was lost and angry and I had no fucking clue what I was doing or who I was in the big picture. You held on to me and led me through that shit even when I was trying to do the same for you. And then I hit God Tier and damn it but thank you for all of that, really.
I'd do it all again, Laurie. For you.
I know you would.
...
Jewel?
Yeah?
I love you too.
...Thank you, Laurie.
For what? No need to thank me.
Just for saying that. Just... for reminding me, I guess. See, when you say things like that, I... I forget about everything I've been through, everything bad. Because then it doesn't matter. Yeah, it hurt, but now it's over. Now it's over and I can move on beyond it.
Love heals all wounds, huh.
I hope to God it can heal yours.
...
...
Well, you are Eros, you know.
God of all the quadrants, haha. Well, except maybe the caliginous one.
Hey, you know it.
But seriously, Laurie, when... on the 1st, when I saw your scars, I...
I know, I felt that.
What?
How you reacted to it.
You felt that?
Jewel, your feelings are loud. You may not realize it, but with that Catharsis attribute of yours, you just radiate that shit. Chaos gets double, maybe even triple, but the rest of us still do pick up on it. And... maybe that black hole shit of mine had more to it than I realized. But that's another reason why I got the hell out of there when I did. I felt that hit you, and then I saw your face, and I realized there was no way in hell I could handle feeling that from you. I couldn't. So I'm sorry for pushing you away but damn it, Jewel, I wasn't ready to put my own walls down in that sort of environment.
...I understand.
I know you do. But I figured you should know the whole story.
Thank you.
No problem.
But... why do you say you weren't ready to put your walls down with me like that?
God damn it, Jewel, I have seen what you can do to Chaos. That is some serious shit, and even if I only got a hundredth of that from you, I have never felt anything like that in my fucking life before October 12th. And that was too much.
Laurie, I've gotten close to you since then, you know that.
Not like that. Not like that, at all.
The other night was close.
...Not really, no. I just knocked a different wall down this time.
Oh. Well, I guess I'm just seeing that all as a whole.
Who are you kidding, you don't see any fucking walls and you know it.
Is that a problem?
Only when I want them up. Which... quite frankly, I'm not sure I want anymore.
Really?
Really, and don't sound so fucking excited, haha.
But...
But what? But you love me and want to be with me more than I can even wrap my mind around?
Uh, maybe?
Fuck maybe, I know you do, I felt that on the 1st.
...
That's why I'm scared to put my walls down all the way. I know you walked through them on the 23rd, but God damn it Jewel, that was terrifying.
Why?
Because I've never felt that before, and when you're so used to being the rock-solid ice queen over here, suddenly having the fire god get that close is more than a little shocking.
...
It's... I'm not used to it yet.
Don't be.
Heh, yeah, sorry about that. I mean I'm not... fuck. I'm not comfortable with it yet?
You're scared of being fragile for once.
...Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly it.
I still get that too, Laurie. It is scary.
Why the fuck is it scary though?
Because you and I aren't used to being so vulnerable.
You, not used to being vulnerable? Come on, Jewel.
No, I'm serious! I know I'm this ridiculously bright-eyed guy over here, but... there's still glass walls up, for me.
Really?
I think. I get nervous. I put up a distance, sometimes, simply because... I feel so much. And it's overwhelming. So I leave some distance there, but sometimes Chaos will get too close for that to matter anymore, or you'll say something that will make it just as meaningless, and... and then the walls are down, and suddenly I'm made of glass, but there's still this fire behind it and I...
January 1st happens.
Yeah.
Seriously, God, you and Chaos just threw away every single boundary in the book there.
Sorry if that was, um... awkward for you.
Fuck no, you think I cared about me? I told you, you two are fucking fascinating.
How so, for you?
...Because... that's... I can't comprehend that. How you two feel so much. How it's that fucking obvious even if you don't say a damned word to each other. Seeing that is just... incredible, for me.
You don't let yourself feel that.
...
I don't think you believe you're capable of feeling that.
Maybe I'm not.
Why wouldn't you be? Why put limits on yourself?
...Maybe I'm afraid to.
Why?
Just what you said. The fucking fragility. I don't... I don't know what that would do to me.
What?
Feeling that sort of thing. I think it's so frightening to me because...
You're still identifying with your walls.
Yeah.
...
...Fuck, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
No, it's not fucking okay, because I'm not okay with it either. God damn it, Jewel, I am tired of this. I am actually tired of this. Do you remember what I said a few sessions back? To Lynne? That I need someone too, and I'm too damned proud to admit that?
I don't think it's pride.
Yes it is, because I'd need to admit that I'm not made of steel all the way through to acknowledge that. And you know what? I'm not. I'm fucking not. There, I said it. Write it down because I might not say it again, not now, not when I'm this fucking distraught. God. I can't even think straight.
Then don't think, Laurie. Don't try so hard.
Fuck, there you go giving me my own advice.
It's good advice though.
But what am I trying so hard to be? Your guardian angel right? Your knight in shining armor. And then every once in a while I catch a glimpse of you, out of the corner of my eye, wearing chain mail and bloodied wings and I realize you're trying to do the same damn thing for me. That breaks my heart, Jewel, not just because you're willing to do that for me but mostly because I'm too damned proud to thank you for it, or to even admit that yeah, I really do need you to do that sometimes.
...
God. So no, I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to let go of that facade and just... stop trying so fucking hard. I'm not ready to stop being so brutish and lighten up with these things.
It sounds to me like you're at least trying though.
...I am. Because I'm tired, Jewel.
Then just stop, please. Laurie, I don't want to see you hurting like this.
And I don't want to see you hurting either!!
...Are you still afraid of being used?
...You know what? Probably. I'm afraid of opening up a little too much and being manipulated, of being a little too honest and suddenly not being able to protect you from the same damn things. I'm fucking terrified of that happening. So I'm still as frozen as ever because I don't want to not be able to protect you anymore. But you keep melting me little by little. And I'm fucking terrified because I don't know if that's the better option or not.
Could you give it a try?
...I'm scared. I'm scared, after all the shit you went through after doing the exact same thing.
I tried the wrong things, Laurie. I tried things that malicious people asked me to. I tried things I wouldn't inflict on my worst enemy, because I hated myself more than I'd ever hate them and I felt I deserved that shit somehow. I put myself through hell and it breaks my heart when I realize how much that hurt you, simply because I didn't think I was worth you caring that much, even if you didn't show it. But I felt it. I knew, even then. I'd never... I never want to cause you pain like that again. And I would never, ever put you through pain intentionally. So in asking you to try, I am asking you because I'm trying to keep that from ever happening again.
How so?
You said it yourself. Amor omnia vincit.
...Heh. Go fucking figure.
What?
The knight in shining armor being rescued by the fucking dude in distress. Fuck.
Nice term for me, by the way.
Well you are, boy. Problem is you keep trying to save the dragons. Keep trying to get them to see the light, no matter how much blood it costs you. So I strap on my armor and run after you, only to realize that in the end you're the one who was saving me all along.
How?
Where the fuck do you think I'd be if I didn't have you to run after?
...I don't know.
I wouldn't be anywhere is what. You know why I'm here now.
...
Make sure you let Chaos know that I am thankful as hell for his part in this too.
I think he already knows.
Does he?
...I'll double check, haha.
You'd better, I don't thank that guy anywhere near as much as I should.
Laurie?
What?
Where were we going with this whole tangent?
We were discussing me being afraid to open up to you. To anyone, really. But especially you.
Why me? I'm not dangerous, am I?
No, fuck no, and that's why the 'especially' is yours. It's the same damn thing that happened with you and Chaos in the past. It's because with you there's no reason to keep walls up. There's no reason to be guarded because you wouldn't hurt a fucking fly. So... opening up to you is different. It's total, because it's total for you, and somehow you just make me feel really fucking compelled to match that level of honesty, even if it scares the shit out of me.
Why?
You tell me. Maybe you're just a bad influence on me.
Come on, Laurie.
I'm kidding. You're a good influence.
...
Well you are. So stop fucking hating yourself. That's your challenge for the new year, this is mine. We both get over this shit, maybe something will work out, all right?
All right.
So you good about this morning now?
Essentially. I think... ironically, after I stopped thinking about it, I figured it out.
Hey, you're the one that told me to stop intellectualizing shit.
True. But I guess that in the end it... really is in my court.
Love conquers all?
Yeah.
That's 'cause it does.
...
I think we should close this up now, though. If I'm not mistaken you have an appointment.
Oh shoot, I think I do. Thanks for reminding me.
No problem. Just wanted to make sure we got to a good point for closing this up is all.
So...
What?
Are we going to have a big discussion with Chaos and Genesis about this month? Soon?
I think we've already discussed those points to a fair extent, actually.
Let me check my list... uh, kind of? We discussed the 4th, and we had an entire session for the 17th as soon as it happened, we mentioned the 7th and 8th...
That was with you and Chaos, right?
Yeah, and... how Jacob and Melody actually did a lot for us over those two days. It was almost unbelievable.
Better believe it though, 'cause it happened.
Heh, yeah. So there was that, then the merge drive and dysphoria problem, especially with how they relate to each other... with the 'being everything' and transcendence, I mean.
I figured as much.
Then I just mentioned the 'hope problem' again in light of that, and that was really it. Well, besides the 1st, of course, but I think that deserves it's own session regardless.
We can do that.
When?
Whenever you get time. Wednesday, maybe. If not, then Friday. Thursday evening, even. We're working around your school schedule now, remember.
True. I just... really want to talk to all of you about that. The 1st was... one of the most beautiful days of my life.
I know.
But we do need to close this up. I'm getting all weird and dizzy again, God knows why.
I am seriously concerned about that, you know.
I don't blame you.
Really, that's not cool at all. Every night now, when you talk to Chaos and I, you talk like you're dying. "Just in case I don't wake up tomorrow, I want you to know that I love you." Shit like that. And it scares me, Jewel. It scares Chaos too, if you haven't noticed.
...It's a legitimate concern though. I haven't been feeling too well, and of course with how the world like it is...
I still don't want you to die though.
...I know.
You've got too much to do here. You can do far too much good to just give up now.
I'll hold on, then. At least I'll try.
You'd better. All right, now close this shit up, I know you're getting antsy.
Just a little, with how weird I feel. But I'll be okay.
You promise?
Yeah.
...All right. See you later, then.
You will, Laurie. Love you.
Love you too, kid. Good luck with everything.
I don't think luck has anything to do with it, actually.
Hah, probably not. In that case, godspeed.
Yeah, we'll get through this no matter what.
You bet we will.
| | |
| I think I'll ask what we're all wondering right now. WHAT the FUCK just happened.
...I can't talk about this.
Fuck, you are going to talk about this if I have to tear the words out of you. TALK.
Laurie, dad's not doing okay, please don't yell at him anymore.
Shit, Xenophon, I know he's not doing okay, but look at your other dad. Look. No one in this fucking room is doing okay right now and that's why we're here. This needs to be settled, somehow, I don't fucking know. Jewel, what the hell happened.
I was hacked. Badly. First time in a long time. A very long time.
Last I remember shit like this happening was October of 2010.
...
And that wasn't the goddamned question. I mean what happened afterwards. This is a fucking genuine relapse and you are scaring the shit out of me, Jewel.
I know.
He's scaring me.
...No kidding, Xennie. Question.
What?
What just happened with you two?
Laurie I am in such pain and I am too tired and empty to cry anymore.
At least not physically, obviously.
Laurie.
...What?
Can we please just get to the point.
And what is the point, pray tell? Your soulmate won't fucking talk.
It hurts, Laurie.
God damn it I know it hurts, did you forget I feel this shit too?!
...
Laurie, what do you mean?
...I mean wherever your dad is bleeding right now, I've got the same scars.
!
God, Laurie, I am so sorry.
There's the tears. Told you you weren't dead yet.
Why did this happen. Why the fuck did this happen.
Dad?
Xennie, please, don't freak out. We're all just hurting a lot. This doesn't feel real.
It is real. That's your mind freaking the fuck out, not her. It's already trying to shut down.
Shouldn't I just let it at this point?
Not if it takes you with it. Calm the fuck down. But we need to talk about this.
What is there to say?
Whatever you said to Xenophon. Whatever the hell caused that massive splinter catastrophe a half hour ago.
That wasn't a splinter, Laurie.
Whatever the hell it was, it scared the fuck out of me.
I've never seen him like that.
I have. Once.
When?
A long time ago. 2008. Let's just say a knife slipped. I saw that, Jewel. Don't think I didn't. You looked at that knife today and you fucking flipped your shit. The fuck was that?
I snapped.
No shit you snapped.
I... it was too much. Too much, all at once, like... oh god, why the hell is this playing now.
Sounds like the greater good is trying to remind you of itself.
Laurie, I don't think either of us can take that right now.
Fine, switch it.
...
Jewel?
You tried to stop me. You literally held my arm back. I fought you. I fought you even though I knew you were protecting me.
You told me you didn't have the heart to do it. You couldn't. Then you did it anyway.
I snapped. I... I couldn't take it. It drove me over the edge. I was screaming, sobbing...
Because you remembered this, didn't you.
I...
Daddy? What were you saying about me?
...God, Xenophon, that was the breaking point, it really was.
He was crying really hard. It scared me a lot. I've never seen him so sad before.
That's called heartbreak, kid. What'd you say about her, Jewel?
I said that I remembered the last time this happened, fucking fall of 2010, with the bloody showers and the 3AM nightmares and the constant mindrape. I remembered all of that shit, throwing up in the middle of the night, not being able to see, feeling like I was going to die. I remembered the hospital and I remembered standing in the kitchen at an ungodly hour sawing my arms open because there was already blood on my hands so why not make it literal? I paid in blood, god I paid with my sanity, I would have cut my heart open and spilled out everything I was on the fucking floor for what I did. And today I stood there with the knife in my hand and I wasn't me and no one was in the mirror but some nameless horror and I was bleeding and then I looked at the graves, and I realized that they could've been my baby girl, God, that could've been my daughter, she could have been dead, I could have killed her. I just... I lost it. I lost it, everything, right then. And I would have cried until the end of the world if I didn't die from the pain first. My heart shattered, completely. Then I remembered when you were the one with the knife to your throat, Laurie, and I remembered seeing your scars only two weeks ago, only two goddamned weeks ago and you have so many scars, and I loved you and I loved Chaos more than I've ever loved anything in my life, I love you, and I... God, I feel like I've committed adultery against the goddamned universe, and maybe I have, God I don't even know, I could have died right then, how could I have been so blind? How could I have been so fucking stupid? How could I have forgotten who I am, even for a moment, when a moment is enough to sink a knife deep enough into a vein to bleed to death? That was all it would take. And even now, even today, when I stood there with my heartbeat under cold steel I remembered it was also yours and I am so sorry, I am so fucking sorry, I never meant to hurt any of you, but I wanted to tear myself to pieces and that's essentially the same thing. Xenophon, god I love you, my beautiful baby girl, I am so sorry that you had to see me like this, I never wanted to hurt you, and yet here I am...
Dad...
...
Chaos, fuck, stop crying already, I cannot take this.
You want me to stop?! Tell him to stop doing this to himself, then I'll stop!! We're all bleeding here, Laurie, every goddamned one of us, that's why this hurts so much!!
...Fuck, and you're still an empath, aren't you. You're feeling all of this shit.
Every fucking second I'm being reminded of that, thank you.
...I'm sorry.
You're sorry??
I tried to stop him. I guess I couldn't.
Laurie, don't, please, my heart can't take this.
And it could take all that other shit?! God, Jewel, get your fucking priorities in order! Do I have to take the knife and fucking put it against my throat again for you to fucking stop this?!
God no, please, don't do that.
If it's the only thing that'll stop this shit, I'll do it a thousand times over. You know I would.
...
Laurie I don't want you bleeding too!
Kid, did he show you what he fucking did to himself?
...Yes.
Then you understand why I'm so pissed off.
That's not what I'm getting, Laurie.
Shut up. Sorry. Just... you know what I mean.
Of all days for me to relapse. Of all the bloody days.
Well it is almost a year after the titanic shit, after all.
That doesn't mean shit. Time doesn't justify this. Time doesn't fucking justify any of this. I hereby renounce my old title. Fuck time. What horrific irony. I was doing this to myself. I could have died, countless times, I was always just letting this happen. Deep down inside I hated myself. Somewhere deep down I still do.
Jewel, calm the fuck down. You want to renounce old titles? Go right the fuck ahead. But don't forget what your real title is.
That's why this hurts, Laurie. This is self-sabotage at the deepest level. This is me walking right up to the tar and saying "well fuck, I've screwed up big time anyway, do whatever the hell you want to me!" And then wondering why the hell I have PTSD for the rest of my life and can't leave the house without panicking that it'll happen again, it'll happen again and that night I'll be standing in front of a mirror with red on my hands and screaming with a voice I don't recognize.
You're not in your eyes.
...
Fuck, he isn't?
No. I don't even have to look to know that.
...Shit.
Daddy?
...
Xenophon, get the fuck over there. Help him out.
How? I can't make him stop bleeding!
I'm not asking you to. But at least you can take away the pain a little, or something. I don't know, just help him out, please.
Can't you?
...Something tells me I can't.
Laurie...
Aaand that is why.
Do you... do you think this is a block? Something? I don't know.
Were you desperate?
When?
When the hack happened. Were you so goddamned desperate you didn't realize what was happening to you?
I wasn't even there. I quite literally was not even there. I recognize what that feels like when I come back.
You're still not all the way back.
...I... I need closure. Something. I need to talk about... what just happened.
That's what I've been telling you to do. Spit it out.
Do you mind?
Fuck no, just talk.
I didn't think my dysphoria could get this bad. But I forgot what the nightmares felt like. I forgot what it felt like, to lucidly realize I was in the wrong body, and to know that I was trapped in it so terribly. To be stuck in this form while they did what they did to me was hell. And it made me hate myself even more. I internalized all the pain and trauma. I began objectifying myself, seeing myself as nothing but a sacrificial offering, nothing but a bloody corpse to desecrate, nothing but a plaything at their hands as long as I looked like this. As long as I looked like them. And I believed it. I really did. Now, if I'm reminded of that even in the slightest, I fall. I fall into a very, very dark place, where I can't see the light because I'm not the one looking out of my eyes anymore. That happened today. My desperation turned into a maniacal destruction drive and you know what happened.
Does this tie into the 14th?
...
...Yeah. Sickly so.
You were forcing yourself into the wrong role, weren't you.
Why do I do that?
You still don't believe you have the right to be who you are, Eros. You still feel you have this fucking obligation to fit every misconception and label they throw at you. Fuck that shit. You're love, not lust. Ever. You know that without a shadow of a doubt. But you still throw yourself to the dogs because hell, you still aren't sure if you love yourself, are you?
No.
There you go.
Why is the 14th being misrouted?
You tell me. That was the worst dysphoria I've seen in you prior to this. Fuck, kid, you were ready to tear yourself open from sheer agony that night. You said you felt caged.
I was! I am! My soul works one way and this body works another way. I can't do what I need to. I can't. Not in this shell, not even in this world. And that is terrifying, God, Laurie, it's terrifying to realize that I am literally being held back from... from everything, somehow. Just because I'm stuck in blood and bones. It hurts, it's the scariest thing I've ever known. And then I get desperate and jump at every tiny flicker of possibility I can find because I can't fucking take this anymore! What's that, this works for you? Hell, I don't care if my biology or psychology isn't even compatible! Let's do this shit! I'm so fucking scared and broken that even the most horrific lie still looks like hope to me, because that's all that's keeping me alive when I fall that far, and I see it everywhere, just because I want it to be everywhere. And then I realize it's not, and this happens, and I...
And you lose it.
Completely.
Dad, what are you being blocked from doing?
...I'm still trying to figure that out.
Your father is trying to merge with life itself and that's not fucking possible.
It's the thanatos drive flipped into blinding light. Too much of a good thing. It's a death wish that's only there because god, the other side is so beautiful, and I'm tired of feeling separate. I'm tired.
So you try to give everything you are to everything there is.
...
Was that a pun, Laurie?
Maybe for him. You know what, yeah, sure. After the 14th it fucking is. I heard about that directly, remember.
Laurie it was terrifying! I was... I don't know why this is so strong. I am literally trying to give my life, my heart and soul and body and mind and everything I've ever been or ever will be to him, everything, just for the sake of giving it. Just because I love him so much, so completely. I just want to give him everything. And I am going too far with that need. It's... it's scary. It's insatiable. I need to give myself away, totally and honestly, because there's so much love in me I cannot keep it to myself because that's too much separation for my heart to take anymore.
Love and Chaos, kid. You know the old myths. That's you, both of you.
I know, but...
But love keeps everything from falling back into nothingness, into divine oblivion.
I want to go back, somewhere deep inside. I want to just be light again.
But there's a reason you're here, with a form, cupid boy. You have so much love in you for this world, too, and you know that you're alive because your responsibility is to share that, to give that, in a way that doesn't involve fucking killing yourself.
It's the wrong form.
Maybe it is. But then ask yourself why you have it regardless. You already know that answer, we've discussed this.
I can't deal with it anymore.
Then start making changes. But it did play a purpose.
I know.
So accept that, and that alone. Don't identify with that shit because that is the ONLY reason today happened and you know it.
I was standing above the sink, trying to wash the blood off, sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. And Xenophon, you were right there. You kept asking me if I was okay. I said no.
And I kept asking you because I want you to be okay, dad!
There's that indomitable hope again. Fuck, how much did she inherit from you?
I hope to God she didn't inherit this.
I didn't, dad. I promise.
Please, beautiful, promise me you'll never be as much of a mess as your dad is.
You're not a mess, dad. You're just in a bad place right now.
The kid speaks the truth.
She does.
...I need to believe this myself, though. I believe you, all of you, with my entire heart, but I won't even say that to myself so I can't accept it completely.
And why the hell are we still battling self-love problems? Is that just because of this goddamned dysphoria?
Ironically. It's a catch-22. The gender issues keep me from accepting myself, and I would accept myself if I didn't have these problems. I do love myself, when I'm up here. When I'm with all of you.
Because you can be who you are. No limits. No cages.
No energy rerouting. No trying to give and only getting.
...
Can we talk about that, actually? The fuck is that with you two?
Jewel just wants to give me everything. He won't let me give him anything unless I practically force it.
You're not the one forcing. I did, on the 14th. I am so sorry.
Jewel, I felt how frantic you were, I knew why you were doing that, it's okay.
Are you sure?
Jewel, I'm positive. You were just... going about it the wrong way.
That's why I'm sorry.
I know.
So he'll give you all he has but won't take the same from you?
Not on that level. It's the wrong sort of energy flow.
I can't take things in. It feels wrong. It feels catastrophically wrong. I can give energy, I can radiate and flow outwards all I want, it's perfect, but as soon as someone tries to make me hold energy? As soon as I have to stop giving and start getting? No. It's traumatic. I can do energy out but not energy in, ever. Connections are a different story.
That's a circular flow though.
It is, there is no direction, it just is. I love that so much, it's perfect. But... everything else just feels so wrong, but that's the level I'm so desperate to get right, even if that's impossible, I don't know...
What the hell are you trying to get right?
The way it works. The fact that I'm being literally blocked from functioning how I need to, which ironically is in a way that doesn't even involve this level. But there's too much hope, and I'm in too much pain, and this all-consuming merge drive is making me willing to do anything just to accomplish that. That's scary. The ends don't justify the means, and the ends keep falling far short anyway. They don't measure up at all but I keep thinking "there has to be a way to change this, there has to be..." I've been saying that for years, Laurie, despite the nightmares, despite the hacks, despite the nights I've gone to sleep crying my eyes out and begging to either wake up differently or die. Despite all that I can't seem to let go of this impossible, impossible hope that one day reality will change to reflect what I feel inside. It won't happen. It can't. But my heart can't accept that either.
I figured as much. So now what do we do?
I don't know.
Days like today need to stop happening.
I thought they did! Fuck, we haven't had anything like this in almost a year! Then wham, one tiny little trigger and we're back where we started. What the fuck. Jewel, how the hell did this even happen?
I... don't know. I never do. It's all unconscious, it's all a result of the pain I suppress and deny because "you don't have any right to complain."
Fuck, you can at least accept that you're suffering, that's just as important.
We've been over that.
We have been. But apparently, you aren't over that hurdle yet.
I keep trying to walk around it.
And that shit doesn't count. So what the hell happened today, unconsciously or not, that made you start doing this shit to yourself?
I... maybe it was simply being forced to socially 'identify' with form again. I walked into art class this morning, doing everything I could to pass, and then the teacher flat-out called me a girl and I think something inside me snapped. It was an art class and they called me a fucking girl. That was a 2009 trigger, I just know it, something in the back of my mind remembered the mornings spent seething behind a clipboard and trying not to gut myself with sculpture blades. You remember that, Laurie. I was at the edge of killing myself or killing someone else, the whole damn semester, and it was horrifying that I felt that, but it was all the self-hatred and dysphoria and ignored trauma being yanked to the surface because hey look, there's a naked woman in front of the class, do you remember what happened to you the last fucking time you were in this situation? Of course I did, it was why I would spend the evenings screaming in my car, hiding knives in my shirt pockets, sleeping my life away and bleeding in front of mirrors that lied, they lied to my face.
Jewel, something is telling me you have a lot more pain you need to deal with than I thought.
Maybe. Not really. This is the pain body thing. This is all my past trauma being dug up thanks to today. I guess I never really accepted it, or dealt with it, or even faced it honestly. I haven't even told my therapists about this, you're the only people who know. Just you, and the other people up here.
Not even all of them. Chaos, Genesis and I are the only ones who know the bloody fucking details.
Should I know, Laurie?
Fuck no. Your dad has suffered through hell. I think you've seen enough of that today.
...I don't want him to bleed anymore Laurie. I'm so scared.
We all are, kid. We all are.
We're going in circles.
No shit? Apparently there's a reason we're wearing a hole into the metaphysical floor here. We need to figure out where the damned exit is before we fall through this thing into something worse.
How?
You tell me. Let's go back to the beginning. What started this conversation?
A hack. Fallout. Abuse. You said we needed to talk so here we are.
Sure, but what have we solved?
We found out there's a lot more that needs to be solved. We discussed the 14th, and the fact that my problems there kind of caused today to happen, indirectly, painfully.
Hm. I can't help but feel we're missing something.
Daddy, did you tell her about the scars?
Which... which ones?
When you were washing them off. You told me Laurie had them. And then you said your heart broke in half and you couldn't cry anymore.
...I think I said that already.
But then you mentioned Chaos too and you wouldn't talk about that?
I mentioned you more than anything, love.
I know dad, but I know you love him too, a lot, and you haven't talked to him yet tonight.
...
Yep, that's what we're missing. Thanks kid.
Mm-hm. I just thought it was important because usually dad talks about Chaos a lot.
Well duh, they're in love, and Chaos is your dad too.
And that's what hurts the most right now.
Obviously. Just, uh... Xennie, how does this tie into the scars?
Because when he realized that he just kept crying about you and Chaos and me. So they were important for all of that.
Hm. I get it. You two need to talk.
How?
Open your mouth and say something, it's not that hard.
It kind of is when you're in this much pain, Laurie.
Yeah, dad couldn't talk either. He was crying too hard.
Xennie, did you see your other dad when that was happening? You want to talk about tears, fuck, Chaos was just as bad as Jewel was on that note.
Was he?
Yeah, I was.
He... usually is. That hurts. Laurie, I don't want to start crying again, but this really hurts.
Then talk about it. Both of you. You've barely said five fucking words to each other and Chaos is actually across the room from you for once, I think that's a fucking first.
...
Closeness would... ironically end all this.
That why you're avoiding it then? The negativity hope shit? "Oh, I'm suffering through hell here, that automatically means the situation has to change for the better because damn I've been through enough of it already!" It's not going to do shit unless you change it, Jewel. You too Chaos. You were just talking about that this afternoon. Getting stuck in the pain won't solve anything.
I know. And I'm well aware of that. But... the same part of me that is still sobbing over what I've allowed to happen here is telling me that, because of such a wrongdoing on my part, I don't deserve him.
You said you didn't deserve me either, dad. But I'm still here.
I know.
And so is my other dad. We're all here, Jewel, and we all love you even if you don't deserve us! That's okay!
The whole 'deserving' shit is pure nonsense anyway. I don't give a fuck what the criteria are. We all have each other and that's all that matters, that's it, bottom line. So stop judging each other based on your own self-worth problems and fix this shit already.
Is that what we're doing?
Obviously. You hate yourself right now and you think he's this epoch of righteousness and going near him will damage him irreparably, somehow. That's old news, and you know it.
...
You two can't hurt each other, even if you tried. That's what love's about, isn't it?
...It is.
And you, why the fuck won't you talk to him?
...I know he's feeling like this.
And you don't want to pick up on any more of his pain because then you'll blame yourself for that shit and things will just get worse for both of you. Listen, I don't give a damn what the problem is. You're both making this a problem. You love each other and that is all I care about right now, that is all that's ever going to solve this shit, so drop the drama and fucking fix this. There's too much pain in here for my liking.
You know what, Laurie, I was just thinking about that today.
What?
You, and pain. It's only ever been positive from you. Even when you mellowed out, so to speak, I always associated you with anger and pain. I don't know why.
It was fucking righteous anger at all the shit you were letting happen to yourself, and the pain was to wake you up. It was inevitable. You know that.
I do. But it... doesn't fit. You're not cruel or bitter, even with all those walls up. Even when you seem harsh, you're not. You have one of the brightest hearts I've ever known and I can't believe I didn't recognize that until now. So don't talk about love like you're not in it, Laurie. You are.
...Fuck, then listen to me and live in that instead of this drama shit. Please, you two, can't we just end this? The hell else do you need for closure?
I... I think I just need to let go. That wasn't me, it's in the past, let it go...
Accept that it fucking happened though. Your mind keeps taking a magnet to the tape and literally wiping things off the map. Your memory is absolute shit at this point because you keep deleting huge segments of it, because of this.
I want to delete this.
...Fuck, if you're going to do that then at least accept that yeah, something bad happened, and DON'T fucking forget the aftereffects. Keep the lessons, let go of the pain. Don't identify with any of that shit, that's just as bad as identifying with what caused this mess in the first place.
...
That wasn't you, you're right. But this isn't you either. It's closer, much closer, but you're still closed off and aching and I know you don't want to be.
I don't.
Then why the hell won't you let go?
It feels wrong, to just let go, when I was responsible for something so horrible.
You're also responsible for some seriously fucking beautiful things, you know. Just look at this kid over here.
Hi dad.
The... yeah, that is... but the fact that she's even here is... painfully beautiful. I told you, these scars--
You couldn't lose her. You couldn't lose me. It doesn't work that way.
How do we know? I could have-- I bled, Chaos, I bled and died and other people paid for it and these horrible graves, one of them could have been hers, and I never would have known it, that is the most painful thing in the world...
But they aren't hers. And she'll never have one. Not there, not ever.
...
I won't dad, I promise.
God, it just hurts. I love you both, heck I love all three of you, more than I can take, and that's why this hurts so much.
Because you don't feel you have the right to love us like you do.
I don't.
Yes you fucking do. Go look at that picture Dare drew for you. That's still there. It'll always be there. What you two have can't ever be damaged by this shit, no matter what. You're impervious and you know it.
But why?
Why? I'll tell you fucking why. Because that's love. That's love, honest and fucking true, and when you take that and hold it up against this tar shit it can't lose by virtue of it's own existence. So fucking do that. Recognize the fact that you CANNOT lose this, ever, and you have every damned right in the universe to feel it. It's your natural state, boy, on more levels than you realize. Not this shit. This pain, this regret, it's only blinding you. It's a distraction, it's pollution, it's a goddamned wall. Break that shit down. Or, even better, walk through it. You know what I mean.
...Can I?
You walked through mine. No one else has ever been able to do that before. That's some serious shit.
What walls do you have up Laurie? Jewel talks about them all the time.
Emotional ones. Far too many of 'em. No one gets in, nothing gets out sometimes. I lost a couple of 'em today. Saw that knife and I fuckin' lost it. See kid, sometimes I just don't give a damn about being tough. Sometimes I care too damn much. Sometimes the love I've got for this kid trumps everything else, and that's the lesson he should be taking home today, there you go, that's your assignment for the rest of your life. Forget about the shit from class today, you know what counts when that's all said and done.
I do.
And there's some more irony. I'd say you're feeling a little blue right now.
...
I think we need some keys.
He's got a couple. Go over there and ask him for a few.
...I don't know why I keep holding back on this.
It's fear, kid. Part of it is fear that you'll hurt him from the self-hate you're still feeling, and yes I know that's lingering because today was some seriously rough shit. But the other part of it is fear that you'll feel what you do for him and realize that your self-hate is baseless, that you have no fucking reason to feel so negative about yourself, and that scares you because you're not all the way here yet, are you.
No he's not.
Damn, how can you tell from all the way over there?
In here. Our heartlights changed, remember.
What, do they work like a fucking transmitter or what?
Empathy link. We've always had one, just of an entirely different kind. Now, well...
Now we feel everything, I guess.
See, this is progress. Keep talking.
I don't think talking will help. I'm still holding back. I've got too many walls up myself. I need to just... get up, walk over there, and leave the walls behind. It won't happen unless I do something about it.
Good, you're learning. Then do it.
Wait, wait. I want to close up and then do that. First, I want to talk to you.
Me?
Yes, you. I don't know why. I think maybe it ties into the 1st. I can't stop thinking about it.
Why?
You felt like a black hole. Like... I got near you and space itself just compressed. It was just me and you, that was it. The universe shrunk until it was just us. It felt so strange, kind of scary, but overwhelming. You were a magnet and I couldn't keep away from you and I didn't even think I could feel something like that.
Yeah, I didn't either, that's why I kept pushing you away.
But why?
Lighten the fuck up before I tell you that. You're still too stoic for your own good. Xennie, get over there.
Why?
Because he loves you a hell of a lot and he can't stay closed up around you, ever.
I can't.
Why only her?
Because... she's my daughter. Our daughter. She's so innocent, so amazing. I know why she's here, what brought her here... she reminds me of everything I won't dare accept about myself, at least not now. She is the hope in my life, and I don't ever want to hurt her, and I can't even consider being false to her. So...
Why the hell can't you feel like that for the rest of us?
...I do. I just... stay away, like this, when I'm this low.
Xennie, get over there.
'Kay Laurie.
...
Dad, Laurie says you need to open up and stop being sad.
I know.
Then why aren't you doing it? Smile like you did before! Please?
Heh, fine. I just... I still hurt, love.
I know dad. But it won't hurt forever, okay?
...
The kid's right as usual.
I know. So dad, please, don't be so hurt. You're going to be okay, even you said so.
I know...
So open up please? Talk to dad and Laurie and me.
Tomorrow's a new day and all that jazz.
Yeah!! Tomorrow's different! You don't have to be sad. Tomorrow you'll wake up, and, and you'll be different. You'll remember things you're forgetting right now. Maybe.
We've gotta do this shit tonight, though.
I know, I'm just reminding him that things change!
Death and rebirth.
Huh?
Maybe that's what I should get out of this, somehow. Maybe.
What, that you had to fucking die again to start this shit over?
Well hey, you know what yesterday was, and what happened almost a year ago next Friday.
True.
In any case you're both right.
See kid, I told you this would work.
Hee! I'm glad it did. I love you dad.
I love you too, Xenophon. And honestly, I feel kind of... ridiculous right now, to say the least.
Why?
I keep blinding myself to that. Almost on purpose. Why?
Because when you're blind, how the hell are you supposed to see anything?
I'm just keeping my eyes shut, though. I'm not really blind.
So you need someone else to open them for you.
That, or I just need to remember, deep inside somewhere, who will always be there waiting for me when I finally open them.
Exactly.
That's you guys. And Genesis, of course.
He did want to be part of this conversation, you know. Then shit happened.
We'll talk about the 1st some other day. Maybe Friday, maybe Thursday, who knows. But that needs its own discussion date.
Yeah, this one was kind of an emergency.
It was. Chaos?
Yeah?
Sorry for being an idiot. And sorry for recovering so fast because I was too blinded to stop listening to my ego earlier. What a mixup that was.
Heh, it's okay. As long as you come back and stay back.
Is he back yet dad?
Not quite.
...
Well I daresay I know what will fix that. Unavoidable honesty.
...
Dad?
She's right. I just... I might lie to myself, but I can't lie to other people, not when they're who I'm focusing on.
This year is about you, though. You need to fix your own shit. You're still a bit of a mess, despite what we said earlier.
I know what you mean, yeah. I will work on it.
Present tense.
I am working on it... good point.
So? We going to close this up?
Just about. I... it would feel kind of wrong to close up without at least talking to Chaos in here.
Stop with the 'feeling wrong' shit, please. At least not in such a general sense.
What do you mean?
I know some things are supposed to feel wrong, so to speak. Some things are just not fucking right for you. But you are judging almost everything you do as 'wrong' according to some seriously motley criteria most days. That's what needs to stop.
Oh. Yeah, it does. But I meant it would... feel dishonest.
Better. Then do something about it.
Um...
Jewel?
...Yeah?
Sorry.
For what?
For... well, for being as closed off as you were, ironically. I could have helped move this conversation along but I was kind of blinded by my own pain, too.
I... it's okay.
You were saying?
...I contributed to that, though. Probably more than anything.
No, not in the way you think. Yeah I pick up emotions regardless. But we have a bit of a stronger link here, to say the least. That's no ordinary link. That's a connection.
Nice one.
Well excuse me, it's the truth!
Haha.
At least we're laughing now!
Sure are. God these conversations are such roller coasters.
What's that?
It's... fuck, Jewel, you need to teach your kid this stuff.
I will!
No hurry dad, we've gotta do other things tonight, okay?
Like what?
Like you and dad fixing things or whatever you have to do.
She has a point.
I do!
Excuse me.
What?
Back to those words again. Go re-read that poem Melody wrote about the two of you, right now.
...Why?
It'll remind you of exactly what can't be fucked up by today. It'll remind you that you're above that shit, in a transcendental way, not a selfish way. All right?
...
You stand not in need of fulfillment nor explanation.
She mentioned dangerous desire, is that...?
No, that's not your merge drive at all. Not at its heart. You're letting it get out of hand, though. Be careful.
Jewel, I told you, I understand that.
I keep slipping though. That can't be happening. I'm getting too desperate.
Stay in the moment kid, watch all those problems just fade away.
And all things were yours, forever.
...
Was that a pun, Chaos?
You know what? In light of the 4th, it definitely is.
Heh.
...I really just need to stop holding myself back.
Don't jump in blindly though, for the sake of jumping in. Remember what I said, what Melody said. You don't have to prove anything. This is for its own sake.
It really is.
Yeah, no shit, so stop worrying about it. You can't get it wrong, that's impossible.
...Laurie?
'Sup?
...Can you give me another chance? One day, when I fix all this about myself? When I stop being so obtrusive and... stop forgetting who I am?
...Sure, kid. I'll give it another shot.
...I just don't want my motives to be mixed up.
What do you mean?
I love you. I really do. But... on the 1st, I got so desperate, just like I was on the 14th, and... I could never forgive myself if I hurt you.
See, there's another thing we have to fix, and remember what I said about us hurting each other. It can't happen.
I still don't want to... to get close to that possibility, even. I got too close and you freaked out and--
Because there's still stuff I need to fix about myself too, all right? That was my equivalent of what you're doing today. That was me closing everything out, rejecting it, because I didn't deserve that shit and I didn't feel it was mine to have, ever. Isn't that what you're going through?
...Yeah.
And yet you know it's wrong.
...
Well so do I. So we'll work on that shit together. Hell, who knows, maybe one day I'll catch up to you, blue guy.
No way.
Haha, who knows, with Cupid here calling the shots? I just roll with whatever he throws at me at this point.
I threw out all my lead arrows by the way.
Yeah, and now you've got a sword. Stop getting so hung up on names, boy. They're guidelines for missions. You know who you are.
...I do.
Don't forget it. That's, I think, what we've been trying to get at this whole time, in a way.
Maybe it is.
Die to this ego shit and come back to life, kid. Speaking of, Xenophon, are you still awake?
Barely. I am reeeally tired. But I wanna stay up and help dad.
Believe me, kid, I think you've helped him more than you know already. Get some sleep.
Really, Xennie, you have. Thank you so much.
You're welcome dad. Chaos?
Yeah?
I love you too. Thank you for letting me be here.
...
G'night, I'm gonna get some sleep if you're all okay now.
Yeah, I think we're good now. Thanks kid.
No problem Laurie! I'll see everybody in the morning!
...
Cute kid. No fuckin' surprise, considering you two.
Everyone calls me adorable.
Well you are.
I can vouch for that.
Come on, guys.
Hey, you're at least smiling! See, this is the shit we need to do at this hour, not what we just finished discussing.
I honestly feel sick from that, no kidding. I am physically ill from it.
From the actual experience, all the shit you went through afterwards, or both?
Both. But the blood and tears really shook me up, I'll emphasize that.
No kidding.
...Chaos, I love you, have I told you that lately?
Not in words, no.
You told him last night, I heard you.
That's not 'lately' for him, Laurie. Lately is within the past few hours.
Ah.
Well it's true. Even in all that pain I went through, it... it was there, clear as day. I think I already mentioned that.
You did.
It tore me apart, to have that existing in spite of what I was dealing with. It hurt too much, to have all that love and all that pain blinding me to it.
No shit, when you're caught up in that pain you unconsciously reject anything that will stop it.
That's scary, isn't it?
Damn right it is. Don't let that happen again.
I really, really will try. Today was honestly horrifying.
You know what was horrifying to me? How much you were swearing. 2008 all over again.
I know. That's what turned my reaction from scalding rage to sobbing like an idiot. I thought of you, and that just...
Too much, huh.
Far too much.
I still can't believe you get that from me.
Well I do. I can't deny that.
Hey, look over there though. That's more important than this right now.
Laurie, it's not a matter of importance.
Just like it's not a matter of deserving?
Exactly. Love is love. There are no priorities beyond that. I love you, and I love Chaos, and that's that.
...Still. You two need to be together right now.
We do. Just... remember how much you mean to me too.
Believe me, I can't forget. Just promise me one thing.
What?
Don't forget how much you mean to me either.
...I won't.
Good, you got what I meant.
Of course I did.
Chaos, is he back with us?
Just about.
Just about? The fuck is holding him back?
He's got walls up.
I want them down, I really do...
Then take the damn things down, you can do that!
Can we close this up first? I can't exactly channel and type once they're down, not with you two around.
Kid's got a point!
He does.
Just... let me say one last thing.
What?
From... from Melody's poem. The last six lines. This... reminds me of that, a lot.
Does it really.
Yeah.
Well I'll be damned.
Why?
Never thought I'd be included in that shit.
Laurie, really, you shouldn't be so surprised.
But I am. I mean, god damn, Chaos, did you feel what he had going on January 1st?
The fire?
Yeah. That.
Not as much as you did, or so I hear.
...Because that still surprises me.
Good.
Huh?
That's good. It still surprises me too.
The man's got a point...
That needs to be an injoke now, it's official.
Consider it done!
But really, he does.
I know. Innocence, huh?
I suppose. He just... never loses fascination, ever.
And that's not even the hope thing. I'm not expecting anything but love after all. And that's... kind of a given. It's there whether I expect it or not.
You just realize that every damn time, don't you.
Everything is new, every moment, I would say, my eyes shining...
Catharsis, huh?
Absolutely.
I think you need some of that right now, seriously.
I do too.
Then go get it.
Laurie?
What?
Thank you. Thank you for being there when I couldn't be, and for always caring like you do.
Shit, I couldn't not do that.
Exactly. Thank you.
Heh, sure. Same to you.
I will close this up by thanking both of you infinitely and leaving it at that.
Oh hey, about the infinity thing.
What?
Don't forget that either. It's in the song, it's in the mythology, it's in those bright-eyed moments of yours. It's everything and nothing at all, isn't that how you put it?
That is a pun, you know.
Course I do. But it's true.
It is.
Oh darling, if I'm ever blue...
How true is that, seriously.
I don't ever want that to slip my mind, ever again. I want to always remember, in every moment, that I know you. That I know both of you, really. That I know this, what this feels like.
Emphasis on this?
Hidden meaning in this.
Was that a pun too?
Enough of the fucking puns, you two get back to business and I'm out of here.
Hey, I love you too though.
I know. Same to you. Now I'm off to make sure your kid is actually asleep and not talking to Genesis if he's still awake from this whole fiasco.
She does that?
She does a lot of things. Either way I'll check on her. See you in the morning.
Oh, wait, one last thing.
What?
I just want to thank you again for showing up in my dream when you said you would, for protecting me. I can't even begin to express how much that meant to me, and how much it means to me now.
...Heh. You're always thanking me for some shit.
You deserve it.
And what did we just say about that?
Laurie, come on.
Fine. But listen. Even if it's not about deserving shit, it's the least I can do in return for having you in my life.
...
See you in the morning. Have a good night, you two.
We will.
...She gets me, bad, right here.
Does she really?
Really. You're still worse, which is even more shocking to feel now that I have that to compare it to. Not in a bad way though.
I know what you mean.
It's just... a different sort? Same level, different aspects.
I know.
You know me pretty darn well, I'd say.
I do!
On that note...
Living up to yesterday, huh?
We should. I know we tried to do something last night but... I was exhausted, albeit euphoric.
Tonight at least has the exhausted part still in it..
...Yeah. But maybe this will help me appreciate my blessings more? I don't know. I'm just trying to shine light on it.
I can think of an easy way to do that.
How, pray tell?
Get the brightest thing we know into this situation.
And that is?
Take a guess.
I know, love, I'm just messing with you.
Or are you still doubting that somehow?
...Part of me is. I'm still... laughably unsure, although I know this can't be damaged. I... I can be, though.
But can you be healed by this? Even after today?
...Probably.
I'd say it's worth a shot.
...How are you more stable than I am after what happened earlier?
I'm... used to emotional roller coasters, to say the least. But I also don't have as much self-doubt as you do in this situation.
Good. It's hellish.
Jewel, I don't want you to have it either.
Same here... I wish I could just drop it.
Can't you?
Maybe not, because I have tried. I keep dropping it too fast though, and hurting myself in the process.
We'll take it slow, then.
Yeah, I guess that's all we can do. But, uh, about that...?
What-- oh. Oh, I see the iTunes blackmail has started again.
It has. Tell me, what do I have permanently associated with this song?
January 7th.
Exactly. And the 8th, thanks to Melody and Jacob.
I can't believe they contributed so much to that. Really, wow.
Tell me about it. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around that.
Don't. Your mind isn't ever going to understand that as well as your heart already does.
...True.
So?
So... about that?
Yeah. About that, and this song, and that picture, and everything that goes with it.
...You know, there's a quote about this. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?"
You're a searchlight, Jewel. Don't ever forget that either.
...
Remember what Laurie said about our God Tiers?
Yeah.
Love is pretty damn powerful. You don't give yourself enough credit.
...I guess I don't.
You're not inadequate. And you're amazingly bright. That's nothing to be scared of.
...Did you know Laurie made me wear all white today?
Did she? Why?
To remind me that I'm... brighter than I realize, or remember on my own.
You are.
I hope it snows tomorrow.
I do too.
Chaos?
Hm?
I love you.
And there you are.
What, the eyes?
Yeah. No more walls, huh?
Can't. I just can't keeps walls up around you, ever.
That's what the 'inseparable' part means, love.
Haha, no kidding. But really, I do.
I know.
...
Can we close this up?
And?
Not have to worry about having two channels open while you look at me like that.
Oh. Yeah, that's a good idea.
One... one last thing though.
Hm?
Are you... really okay now? In light of what happened to you today?
For now, I am. For now that's in the past, it's over, it's dealt with. For now I want to remember that I'm in love, that we're in love, and that nothing will ever damage that, not even what I suffered today. I can deal with the lessons I learned tomorrow. For now...
For now you just need to remember what's beyond that.
Yeah. And I promise I won't get desperate.
...Do you really get that desperate?
I do. I... I really just want to give you everything. And not in a general sense. It's the... it's where I would honestly cut my heart out for your sake if that would accomplish this. It's wanting to give you everything that I am, because as far as I'm concerned, at heart I'm only love, and I just... I want to give that to you.
Maybe that's what you need to remember the most.
What?
That at heart you're only love.
Am I?
Take a guess, Eros.
Looks who's talking, Chaos.
And my name doesn't even change, awesome.
It doesn't!
So... are we closing this up?
Yeah. It's late, and I miss you, and I... actually do feel stable at the moment. Which is good.
It is.
One last thing.
Hm?
...That picture Dare drew me? It's titled, "Under the Stars."
And?
Well, besides the obvious because we're usually out under stars together, it... actually made me think of that one line from JTHM. "Over the stars." You know... I want out of this pain, I need this to end, I'm going over the stars to escape it all. There was a time in my life where I felt that was my only option. Oblivion. Kind of like October 29th.
But...
But we're under them. We're still here, alive, and that's beautiful too. And tell me, Chaos, what is it that kept me alive on the 29th? When I wanted to fly over the stars, what made me realize that I could do that and more, here below them, without ever losing hope? What helped me to hold on, let go, and open my eyes?
What saved both our lives?
Yeah. What carried us through the darkest times? What was the stars when it was pitch black all around us?
...
I love you. I always have. Even when I fall so far down that I feel I've lost every last fragment of grace left in me, I can't forget you. I can't forget this.
Don't. Don't ever forget this.
I won't. Cross my heart.
I love you too, Jewel, I really do.
You always end up assuring me...
Because that wonder of yours goes both ways. Be careful, please.
I will be. It's a losing battle, in our favor.
How so?
January 16th, July 7th, December 23rd, January 1st. There are some moments that destroy doubt and fear so completely that you're never the same afterwards. No matter what, I know what I've seen and heard and felt. I will never forget that. When I saw your eyes on the 23rd... I just...
...
Things like that make it impossible for me to forget, Chaos. No matter what my mythological role is, it wasn't until you entered my life that everything else came to be.
Chaos and Love, huh.
Absolutely. But of course, we know that those terms aren't mutually exclusive either.
And that's where the 'cosmically' comes in.
It does. Same with 'divine complement,' now that I think about it...
So that's why I liked that term so much!
Probably, love. But, uh, it really is getting late and I still miss you, so...
You miss me? How?
Um... on other levels. It's that drive of mine again.
Oh. Well, honestly, I'd like to see how that plays out.
The drive?
Yeah. In light of what we've discussed here. I say go with it.
All right, but we have to close up first...
I will never fail to be amused by how terrible we are at ending things.
It needs to end before it can begin again, geez!
Haha, exactly.
Speaking of beginnings... it is technically tomorrow.
Let's get started, then.
My sentiments exactly.
| | |
| Well guys, let's get this started.
About fucking time. How many people are we getting in here?
As many as possible. I'm... I think I can handle it.
Forget about the goddamned gender dysphoria, J. It's not you, remember? Don't let it fuck around with you.
All right.
Seriously, you want everyone in here?
Yeah.
Huh. All right, sure. Let me go get them. You sure you can do this?
Just... give me a minute to re-center, actually.
Sure. Hey, this Daley you listening to?
You bet. Watch me repeat this song for the next two hours or so.
Heh, I wouldn't be surprised. Nice stuff.
It is. Honestly though, Laurie, hold up. I can't seem to get a stable connection running.
Why's that? The dysphoria shit?
Probably. It completely throws me off, every time.
Don't let it. I think that's why this shit keeps happening. You need to be stronger than it is, and you fucking are, so stop trying to tell yourself otherwise.
All right, now you're coming through clear.
What about you though? Can you even hear yourself? Or are you still detached?
Getting better. Okay, I think I can do this now. Who's in here first?
Take a guess.
Hey!
Hey yourself. You doing okay?
Eh, kinda sorta. I'll manage. Where's Xennie?
I'm not letting her in here before I'm sure you aren't going to be hurting yourself with this.
I won't. Promise. This needs to happen, as a recap, as a starting point.
Doesn't mean you have to drive yourself to the edge for it.
He has a point.
Is that really such a big concern? Because that's surprising to me.
It's surprising to you because you never realize what danger you're putting yourself in until after it happens.
You're saying this is dangerous?
I'm saying it can easily become dangerous if you keep falling off-center while trying to channel like twelve fucking people at once.
Hm.
She's right, Jewel.
I know. But I need to be stronger too.
You're trying too fucking hard. Being strong doesn't mean being a hardass and refusing to acknowledge when you're in pain.
...Yeah, that is a bad habit of mine, isn't it.
It is.
So if you want to do this shit, let's do it, but don't you dare hold back if there's a problem. You tell me about it, I'll help you through it. Chaos too, am I right?
Damn right.
Good. Now I think it's time to get the impossible kid in here, because she does help with this shit. Xennie?
Hi Laurie!
Sup kid?
N'much. Hey dad!
Hi sweetheart.
You okay?
Not really.
Yeah.
Why?
Tough stuff to deal with is all. I'll be okay, I promise. I just need to stop letting it get at me. It's kind of silly when I think about it. I don't want this to bother me, but I'm dwelling on it.
You're dwelling on it because it needs to be solved and you've been waiting long enough.
True, but I can't just snap my fingers and fix this. Wish I could, but I can't.
Hm.
But dad, you told me that's not you though.
That's my point.
Hey, can we just get the rest of this fucking madhouse in here? This intro is taking just as long as our outros.
Yeah, let's get this party started. Genesis, get in here.
Hey!! We're talking?
Sure are, bud. Take a seat, this is going to be a wild one.
Good. I'm excited. Who else is going to be in here?
Everyone, I gather.
Everyone??
Pretty much. Depends on whether they decide to show up or not.
Maybe I should call them.
Maybe you should.
We're talking already?
There you are.
Yeah we're talking already, J-boy here is taking way too fucking long to get this together.
Why? Is he okay?
Why does everyone ask that about me?
Because it's a legitimate concern, kid. And yeah, he's going to be okay. We're working on it.
We're talking, we're talking! Yesss!
Hi.
Hey Spine. Hey Jo.
Everyone else is being shy. Should I drag them in here?
Haha, no, I'll get them. Hold up.
Uh...
What, is she going to use force?
Hopefully not.
I told you, get your ass in here, we're talking.
...Sorry.
Leon! 'Sup bro?
Not much, hi.
Hi Jewel.
Aand that's the shit we need to talk about.
What?
You. Get in here, this is important.
...
Julie, you are allowed in here, you know.
I know. It's just... new.
Hey, chill the fuck out, there's nothing to worry about that.
Is there?
...Well, you know what I mean. Just relax. No use getting all worked up before the conversation even starts.
I'm not getting worked up, he is.
I'm just... nervous.
You're always nervous. Why the fuck are you nervous? I thought you were over that shit.
I-I'm not sure.
He's only spoken in two of these before, I think. And now we have some serious troubles to deal with. So that's understandable.
Hi Leon!
Hi. You're Xenophon, right?
Mm-hmm.
Haven't you spoken to her before?
Not really. I haven't... been around much. And when I am we're just in a group so I can't really talk to anyone and it doesn't get anywhere. With talking. At least.
Dude, you need to take a fucking chill pill. All right, are we all in here?
Are we inviting Bro?
Fuck no, that's too much stress on our boy here, and Bro only showed up this month. A hell of a lot has happened since September. Same with Menchou, she's not in here either because she's a newbie to the crew in the extreme sense.
She's been up here before, though.
She still has no goddamned idea what all the details are. Even Bro knows more than she does right now. So. Enough of the prancing around. Let's start this shit. Jewel? Topics.
Topics, sure. Hey, by the way. If anyone wants to speak up, speak up. No one is being censored here.
We know.
All right, good. Just making sure, because I know those three have been keeping to themselves lately.
I haven't been around! I've been too busy with mirrors!
You haven't been in the damn things lately.
Because he's been getting bad fallout and I don't want to be involved in that.
Well that's your fucking job, isn't it?
Laurie, please.
No, I'm serious. He's supposed to help you with the dysphoria shit. Where were you this morning?
Not in them. I told you, I can't deal with that all the time.
Really, don't force him, it's tough enough for me.
Jewel do you need my help?
Maybe. I don't know. I've been relying on Menchou for emergency protection but... but I do need to deal with this on my own, right now. That's why it's tough. So Laurie, it's not Natalie's fault.
And I think that's a perfect segue into our actual discussion. Natalie, or Nathaniel, what the fuck are you going by now?
Nat is fine.
No, I mean as a full name. Which one are you using?
Both?
All right, cool. But yeah, kid's back. Been back for a while now.
That... ironically I'm still dealing with that.
With what brought him back?
Yeah.
Jewel, I think you need more serious help with this.
From who though? You guys are doing all you can--
Not us. I mean therapists, doctors, those sorts of people. We're all helpless when it comes to that. I think that's the sort of help you need now.
He's been trying to get that sort of help for years now, if you haven't noticed.
I've noticed. But he hasn't been getting help. I think we need to focus more, and stop beating around the bush. If that's what he needs, we need to get that, directly.
How?
Figure that shit out. But that's long-term. Jewel, when did Natalie first come back?
November 18th, according to my list.
You've got a list?
Yeah, a big one.
A lot has happened since September.
No kidding!
So, the 18th. Run that shit by our readers.
Uh... that was actually after the tar and glass incident, did we mention that?
Shit, no we didn't. Link it up, boy.
That's late, though. We're skipping over my lapses in September, and the burnout in October, and... and the 12th, so--
All right, all right, I get the picture. Skip to the beginning. Where'd we leave off?
I came back. To my senses, that is.
'Came back' works, in a weird way.
How so?
I dunno. Feels weird to assume she was a bitch forever, though, with what you told me about her 'creation.'
It does. Sorry. Julie, what do you remember from way back then?
Not much. I was really confused for a while, couldn't really think straight. But then all the shadow stuff happened, and... it's a blur. I don't really want to remember it anyway.
That's okay. I was just wondering.
Mm.
So she's back, Xenophon's role was figured out, and then shit went down pretty fast, didn't it?
I went to the expo is what I did.
What, after that entry? Fuck, I guess you did. That was huge.
We didn't even talk about that yet??
Nope. Guess not.
Wow. We are really behind, haha!
We are. But that fuckin' expo will take far too long to summarize here. Jewel, link it.
Sure. Here's the entry I wrote up concerning what I learned there.
All right. And after that?
After that... actually, during the expo I wrote up a list of things I needed to work on personality-wise, but that's a whole project in itself so maybe we should discuss those by ourselves later, Laurie.
Hey, I want to be involved in this too! Remember my new job!
You're still the reaper, Jo.
Duh, but I'm the one checking truths now too. Remember what your therapist said?
Sure do. Always check your facts.
Yeah, and that's my job now. So count me in for when you're discussing this, because I'm sick of being left out.
Good, I'm sick of it too.
Haha!
That should help me battle my dysphoria, too. See, I told you it was baseless.
Baseless in why you're letting yourself be ruled by it, that is. The cause of it is pretty fucking solid.
Unfortunately.
Dad, it's okay, remember?
I remember, yeah. All right. Hey, speaking of, you and your other dad are the next point after the expo.
Really?
That wasn't a very positive turn of events, though.
Maybe not, but it fucking helped.
Yeah. Oh, really quick, before I forget. We're going to have to put this session on pause in an hour, just so you know. Gotta run to church.
Oh yeah. Last mass of the year, right?
It is.
Type faster.
Haha, okay!
Can I come, dad?
You always do, and while we're at it, everyone else is invited because why not.
Before we get there, that's still our current topic. Those two angels over there.
...
Who, us?
Damn straight.
...What threw me off back then?
"When it comes to matters of the heart, he is fearless."
Oh. Yeah, that was... I got pretty bad for a while there.
What happened?
I... the expo triggered my doubt problem, the ego issues and all that. I kept shooting myself down and holding myself back, even if at heart I didn't want to.
Like what?
Hold on, he's checking.
Yeah, it's a little hard to remember details... oh. Here we go. "One: I'm still trying too hard, and moving too fast. Two: I'm not trusting my own judgments and actions when I should be. I keep second-guessing myself, even now. Three: There's a lot of shadow still clinging to me as the ego. And that was the most important lesson because it stood in such stark contrast to Chaos as we spoke."
I remember that.
I figured you would.
Was that... when was this?
Beginning of October, I think.
No, that was actually September 19th.
Fucking serious? That was before the burnout, then. Geez.
I told you we had a lot to talk about.
Guess so. Keep going.
So that was... that was me realizing who I was beneath all the fears, thanks to those two. Chaos and Xenophon. And... it took a while to sink in, but...
I almost lost you for a while.
...
That was when you couldn't see him, right.
I couldn't find him.
Even though I was right there.
That's why it hurt so much, for both of us.
...Dad?
Yeah?
That doesn't happen anymore, does it?
...
It did, once. Just once, a few days ago.
When the fuck was this?
The almost-hack that brought Menchou back into active duty.
Oh. Fuck. Yeah, that almost slipped my mind. Keep going, Jewel, there's a lot more to talk about before we get to that.
Okay. So all the emotional pain the end of September brought, with realizing just how lost I still was in that respect, was a huge motivation for me to start working very hard at conquering those points and becoming a better person.
Ironically.
Well geez, Laurie, I still have a lot of rough spots.
You're still a good person even with them, you know.
You are.
...I know.
But do you believe it?
Yeah, that's a concern too, isn't it?
Current one. We're still back in September right now.
That's ego doubt, right there. When I let go of it, all the fear and worry is gone, completely gone.
Then let that shit go. What's next?
Family troubles hit around the 21st, that was yet another cosmic 2x4 to the face telling me to start being more independent in case everything fell through. And that did stick. Then that night Jacob told me I'd... let me quote him. "...You'll make a great parent. You've pretty much got the basis of it down: love at all cost. Everything else follows from that. Just love hir (Xenophon) with all you have, and it'll turn out right. Related to that, you and Chaos both just impress the heck out of me where all this is concerned. I hope I can always continue loving, and showing love, the way you two do."
That's fucking gorgeous.
It is. And that night I went to say goodnight to you, Xenophon, and I just ended up breaking down over how much stress I was under and you told me it would be okay. No matter what. And I truly, honestly believed that. Xennie, you have no idea how much that helped me then, and how much it still helps me now.
Yes I do. That's why I keep saying it. You need to remember that, dad. And you are a good dad because I know you're still worrying about that too!
Heh, he probably is.
Maybe in the back of my mind, yeah. But that's an automatic worry whenever I feel like I'm falling.
You're slipping pretty fucking bad, kid. Hold on.
What, now?
Yeah, right now.
I'm not sure what this is.
Dysphoria fallout, and you fucking know it. Julie, Nat, get your asses over here.
Why? What are we going to do?
Talk him through this shit. Jewel, pay attention. Nat, you're supposed to help him out with this shit, with remembering that he's not the goddamned face in the mirror. That's your fucking job.
...
And Julie, you're no threat to him anymore, believe me, so stop being so fucking scared to help him out.
I help him out! He asks me for help and I help him! I just don't barge in.
Maybe he wishes someone would every once in a fucking while, you ever think of that? The kid feels pretty fucking ostracized from all of you because you keep to your own goddamned business until there's a catastrophe. Well, maybe if we all got together more often there wouldn't be so many fucking catastrophes.
Laurie...
Ssh, this needs to be said. Give me a minute. Listen, I know we've all been spending a lot more time together lately but that is not enough. Julie, you're supposed to be around more.
I don't want to bother you!
Bother us how?
You're all so close, and... I feel like I'd be intruding. I don't belong near that, at all.
Listen, I don't fucking care. You are allowed to be around.
I don't want to be.
What? Why?
I don't deserve that at all. It's not right. Not after what I did.
Shit, you still haven't forgiven yourself either?
Laurie, it's hard, all right? It is really hard. Jewel knows what I'm talking about. I'm sorry.
...
Yeah, the both of you are total fucking messes right now. Listen, let's... let's just finish this fucking recap, then we can deal with this if it hasn't been settled already. Jewel, pay attention!
Love at all costs. That's what important.
And that applies to yourself, remember.
What is holding me back?
Let go of that shadow shit. Let it go. It's not you. Nat, talk some fucking sense into him.
I can't do that! That's your job!
What, so you're going to shirk that responsibility if it falls on your shoulders? You're the green one up here, this is fucking important. Get to it.
Nat, it's okay, don't worry about it.
Well it's not okay, that's already a lie.
I want it to be okay though. We should be having a conversation here, getting things ready for the new year, why--
This shit isn't solved is why. If you're still having hairtrigger breakdowns whenever the slightest twinge of dysphoria hits you, that's a fucking problem. I don't want you fragmenting again.
...
Terrifying, isn't it? Now think about how I feel, how we feel. We don't know what to do about this shit and we don't want you doing this to yourself. Am I right?
'Course you're right, but we can't do anything about this.
Not directly, no.
So that's the kid's responsibility to himself. Jewel, think about the 23rd, pull yourself together.
...
God, that was one quick center.
I can still get thrown off just as quick, though. That's the danger here. Let's get back to talking.
Sure, sure. Sorry about the holdup.
Who?
The readers, if we fucking have any. Also, Jo, you're the only one talking over there. Leon, speak up.
W-why?
Because you're really goddamned important up here and you need to get involved. Jewel, next topic.
All right, now we're at the October burnout. I took on way too many responsibilities at once, in several areas, and by the 9th I was already feeling the consequences. I was getting hacked again, I started to get physically ill... oh, wait, the 2nd was when Xenophon went through her most recent appearance shift, we should really mention that.
Was that when I got legs?
Yes it was, that was amazing. That's here by the way.
That was a pretty awesome day.
It was. But like I was saying, I was falling apart even before the second week of October, and... and that's when I tried to label you, Laurie.
...Shit. Is that when it was.
Yeah.
...What was this?
Shut up, Jo, let someone else talk.
Well excuuuse me.
I'm kidding. This is just... this is actually not a topic I like going back to.
Really?
Really. This was the 10th. I daresay you probably don't want to think about that again either.
...
It needed to happen, though.
It still hurt, horribly.
What happened?
He tried to label me. Put me in a box.
He started losing track of reality at that time, too.
He did. Didn't you actually have to tell him that he was real?
Yeah, basically.
Shit. I forgot just how bad that was, actually.
I tried too hard to put on a mask and fit a description, and I started projecting that onto other people. I was losing track of myself is what I was doing. And... that's when I realized that I was having serious trouble splitting realities, at all. I had been for a while, but that's when it hit hard.
Then there was that one night at the beginning of October.
...That hurt more than I let on.
More than you let on? Shit, Chaos, you broke down for ten solid minutes! How the hell much did that hurt?
Keep reading, he talks about that on the 11th.
...Shit. Sorry, bro.
It's okay. That was rough for all of us.
Oh. Wait. Two other things happened on the 10th that are still affecting me now.
Good things, I hope?
Thankfully, yeah. The one was when you told me to be more careful with my mind, and my rampant thoughts, because they were more powerful than I dared give myself credit for?
Fuck yes, that is seriously important. Don't forget that.
Yeah, you've been reminding me of that constantly since then. It's helping, but I need to do more meditation before it'll get quieter. I keep thinking of Sollux but I guess I need to 'die' on that level first.
Like when everyone thought Eridan killed him?
Yeah, but in a different context. Meditation is ego death, and that needs to happen a lot more than it does now.
No fucking kidding.
So that's important point one. Tying into that is point two, which Xenophon said to me.
I did?
Yeah. That was the night I couldn't see your eyes.
You weren't really there, dad! You weren't paying attention to anything.
Shit, is that retroactive synchronicity or what?
...Yeah, it is.
Ironically I'm still having trouble with the concentration.
Because your fucking mind won't shut up. At least now you're aware of it and you're putting a lot of effort into staying stable, even if you're not all there yet. And I daresay the 23rd helped more than you're giving it credit for, too. Yes, even with all the credit you've already given it.
What happened on the 23rd?
Awesome shit. We'll get there. Now, in a stunning display of even more ironic synchronicity, it's time to talk about October 12th. Or not.
We do need to discuss the 11th first. That was interesting, extremely so, because... well, for one, I had literal synchronicity with Laurie, which has never happened before.
Shit, I remember that. That was the names, right?
Yeah. And you helping me center again.
Don't-- don't talk about that shit.
I won't. But... that night was when... Chaos kind of...
I slipped.
You what?
Slipped. I wasn't there when Jewel looked at me, for once. Usually it's the other way around when we... fall that far.
What do you mean?
He was under too much fucking stress and it got to him, pretty damned bad.
You opened back up, and he closed off entirely.
Yeah.
That terrified me. It was worse because I knew I'd done the same thing to him in the past. Chaos, I really was scared, I knew I was responsible but I didn't know what to do...
Jewel, how were you responsible?
You hit that point because I hadn't been with you for so long, and because I was a mess when we were. I was a mess, completely.
I'm the one that had the fallout, though. You didn't make me do that.
It still hurt.
Yeah, it did, but it was not intentional on your part, or mine.
Exactly. Stop trying to throw blame on yourself, Jewel.
...I think that's unconscious, actually.
Then get fucking conscious.
Kind of like he did the next morning, right?
Oh no, we are not discussing that shit here. No.
Laurie, what's this about?
What?
The defensiveness about the 12th. You've been doing this for a while.
Yeah, well I have a damn good reason to. That's off-limits for discussion. Jewel, move on. What happened on the 13th?
Bad stuff.
...Oh. Oh fuck, that was when your friends got married, right?
That was on the 12th, actually, but yeah, I didn't start trying to inflict their lives onto mine until the next day.
You have got to stop that shit.
I'm working on it. It's almost entirely gone now.
Good. But yeah, now that I remember, the 13th was hell.
What happened on the 13th?
See, now you're interested. You should've been around, then you'd already know.
Laurie, I- I didn't know you needed me around!
What did I say earlier? We all need each other here. Back on topic, Jewel.
All right...
Can I just say that the 12th was awesome?
Chaos, don't you fucking dare.
Well it was.
I want to know what happened on the 12th now.
In your fucking dreams, Jo. Jewel, keep talking, seriously.
I... oh. Oh.
What?
This is the part I don't want to remember. The night of the 12th. I started slipping early.
That's when I showed up, wasn't it.
Yeah. The first time you tried that method.
Fuck, don't discuss that, then. We've dealt with that.
But the point is why that even happened. I kept thinking I was "doing everything wrong" just because someone else would have acted differently in the same situation. It was my inferiority complex running at dangerously high levels. It's... it's the only reason I still get hacked, even by the tar, at all.
...
Sorry Julie.
...No, I know all about that. I should be the one apologizing.
No more guilt parties, goddammit. Jewel, are you over that shit?
The feeling like I need to emulate everyone else's lives? Pretty much, why?
Because that one was seriously fucking dangerous. It nearly killed you a few times, and I am not fucking joking.
I know.
So you're sure that one's fixed?
Pretty much. But... unfortunately it's making my dysphoria reactions worse.
How?
Now I no longer feel like I need to ignore, suppress, or lie about them because other people don't see them as valid. But that is making the violent desperation come back because it's no longer being locked away.
...Shit, are you serious?
I'm serious. So Lynne was right. This needs to be dealt with. But... let's go back to the 12th. The night, that is. Chaos said something to me then that I need to remember.
What?
"He told me flat-out that I, the REAL me, not the fake one that I sometimes slip into to 'make other people happy,' was not doing anything wrong. I was not doing anything wrong by being honest with myself. The problem was that I was blinding myself to that-- I was falling into regression by putting too much emphasis on outside opinions, and not paying attention to myself, to my own morals and feelings and truths. Put extremely simply, I was not giving myself enough credit, and I still was not accepting that my tried-and-true experiences WERE true and valid and real to me, even if they weren't applicable to anyone else's life."
There you go.
I think I actually believe that now, instead of just knowing it.
Good. I don't want that happening to you again.
I don't either.
So the 13th was fallout from that, am I right?
Basically. I wrote that entry on the 13th, and that's when it all really sunk in. So that was a rough day.
I see.
Jewel are you okay now?
What do you mean?
With everything. From the bad slip you had earlier. Are you better?
I think so? It's tough because of this negative family atmosphere. That makes it very, very easy to slip.
Well there's your fucking challenge. Keep standing strong in spite of that. It'll help, in it's own twisted way.
I guess so.
I know so.
So what's next on the list?
Overthinking will burn a hole in your head.
That's what's next?
No, I just wanted to say that because it's true. Next was a small gap in updates because I was so stressed out I didn't want to be online anymore.
Wait, hold on one second. Genesis, you have not said a word since you walked in.
Hi.
You already said hi.
Then I'll say it again.
Seriously, why the hell aren't you talking?
I'm just listening. I wasn't really involved in a lot of this stuff so I'm not talking.
Wait, how the hell weren't you involved? You're always around Jewel.
Yeah, but he was stressed out and all of this was happening upstairs. With you three! So like Julie I didn't want to butt in. That's all.
Genesis, what did I tell you.
I know, but the point is I'd still be walking in on things and distracting people, and you've told me that before too.
Hey, that's actually one of our current topics.
It is?
Essentially. But we're still stuck in October.
Sorry. So I spent the next several days after the 13th doing spiritual research, from what I remember. Then I wrote the lemniscate poem on the 19th, and on the 24th I had a bit of an 'outside' verification identity-wise, in that I found a group on Tumblr full of aromantics and realized hey, there isn't anything wrong with me there! I feel bad that I needed that in order to be comfortable with myself, but you know what my self-doubt was like at the time.
Yeah, I do.
So that was that, and actually, once I realized the aromantic thing I realized that I no longer had to 'force' myself to try and be traditionally romantic because I feared I was 'doing it wrong.' And because of that, I got back into my Dream World work because I was no longer unconsciously projecting that doubt onto other peoples relationships.
That's you being obtrusive again, and that shit needs to stop.
What is this obtrusive thing about?
Dad was taking a quiz and that word kept coming up. It was funny.
We were taking Enneagrams for Homestuck purposes and we decided Jewel was too obtrusive.
What does that mean?
It means he imposes himself and his opinions on others, even if it's not really intentional.
That is a problem!
Damn fucking straight! Now keep reading the topics.
All right. So the next big day was the 29th, for obvious reasons.
If our readers don't know what the fuck that is, I seriously question your loyalty to our updates.
Ouch, the sarcasm.
Seriously, who the fuck reads these?
You never know. We could actually have a loyal reader and not even know it.
That would be awesome.
But for those of you who aren't loyal readers, October 29th was the date last year that I attempted suicide.
And then changed your mind.
I had to. I couldn't stop thinking about you, and Chaos. I loved you too much, and you... you already have too many scars because of me. I kept remembering the blood, and...
All right, we get it, kid.
But that's important. That was the ONLY thing keeping me alive. I couldn't die because I had people to live for, and that was it. Speaking of I actually wrote on all your Facebook walls on that day, guys, thanking you for that.
You did?
Yeah, don't you remember?
You guys need to fucking log in once in a while and read that shit.
I read mine. Thank you, Jewel.
Tell him in a comment, damn it, that stuff needs to be written down too.
Doesn't this count?
Don't get clever with me, Lynne, you know what I mean. Be more personal for God's sake. Chaos, that goes for you too, ironically.
Ba-dum-tsssh.
What was that?
Rimshot. I figured that deserved one.
Hee hee.
After the 23rd, that deserves a couple of 'em. But really, go thank the kid, because he poured his heart out to all of us there. Me included. Thanks, by the way.
Be more personal, Laurie.
Fuck you, man, I'm not doing that here. Next topic.
I'm sensing more defensiveness!
Fuck you too, that's none of your business.
Laurie, you do need to open up more.
Not now.
You said that last time, dear.
Maybe I did. Still not the right time, or place. Jewel, get me out of this conversation already.
Haha, sure thing. Oh, did I mention that it snowed on the 29th? I think that's the only major snowfall we've had so far this winter, too.
Oh shit, yeah, that was gorgeous. We all stood around in that, didn't we?
It was freezing, but it was more than worth it.
No kidding.
That was my first time seeing snow!
That too. What are the fucking odds, right?
Pretty high, with us.
It was so pretty too. It was... I wanted to watch it snow forever.
I think we all did. Chaos, were you sitting on the car or am I imagining things?
Nope, I was on the car.
I was over by the other one!
That you were. Oh, guys?
Yeah?
No, all you guys.
What is it?
I need to take that hour-long church break right about now, actually. You readers won't be affected by it, but there's going to be a bit of a gap for us.
Fine by me. What topic do we pick up on, then?
October 31st. That's when things started moving very quickly in a better direction, as a whole.
That's when Xenophon started to sing.
Really?
Yeah, really, that was fucking beautiful.
Sonic Generations hype, too.
Damn, you're right, that is when things started looking up. All right, Jewel, when you get back, start that topic immediately.
Aaand I'm back. Time shenanigans ahoy.
Always. So start talking, kid.
Will do. On October 31st, I started recovering from the stress of that month, so Laurie, Chaos, Xenophon and I were reviewing my entries from the past few years and listening to music because really, we have come a long way.
You two kept singing, though.
We did! I just get moved by music really easily.
And then Xenophon asked us just how important music was to us.
So I told her that it communicated things simple words never could, and that I just feel a connection to sound as a medium, and she seemed really inspired...
And then you played that Klonoa song for me!
We did. I named you after that song, just a little.
Lephise, right dad?
Yeah. The 'songstress of rebirth.' And... well, you started singing along. It was beautiful.
It was.
Well you did say it was my song, dad. I had to sing it for you.
I told you what that meant, though, didn't I?
Yeah. That it was about bringing the world back from nightmares and dead things.
Which is kind of what has happened to me over the past year. And it made me realize just how important you are, to me and maybe to more people than I realize.
What do you mean?
You just... you personify infinite hope, almost. Second chances and new beginnings. The connecting part between cycles, between death and life. You were an impossibility, you showed up in the face of absolute terror and fear, and yet here you are, shining as brightly as the stars. You're beautiful, kid. And you just feel like something incredibly important, in a big sense.
Well fuck, so do you and Chaos. I told you, this is bigger than any of us realize, and I know it.
You sure?
Sure I'm sure. Just watch. This will all play out for something greater than we can comprehend. The way our lives have been going so far, I have no doubt. Now you mentioned Sonic Generations?
Oh yeah, that's the other half of this, and...
Was that the conversation we had about him?
You two talked about me?
Yeah, remember? When he got to his music class early, we just kinda sat in the dark and talked about you because you're awesome. And because of Sonic Generations, of course. Jewel, you were really freaking out over that!
I didn't want to fight him is why, Genesis. I love him with my entire heart and I was still going to have to fight him, if only in a game environment. Remember when I got Sonic Battle, Chaos? Sure, we turned that into our equivalent of your brawling matches with Markus, but at first I nearly refused to face you for the same reason. Back then! So yeah, seven years later that got pretty bad.
Those are brawling matches, aren't they?
Heck yeah, you always beat the living daylights out of my Emerl, man.
If it's Strawberry, he deserves it for not letting me sleep back in 2004!
Haha, no kidding!
And I have no idea what the fuck this was.
Me neither, that was before both of us showed up.
Man, that feels like forever ago.
Back on topic?
Yeah. You know what this was about, don't you.
I do.
Wait, actually, something happened on the 3rd besides that.
We'll get to that. Chaos first.
You sure? Because it ties into the morning.
Does it? Well go ahead, then.
...On November 3rd, all the pain from October 13th hit me again. You know, the feeling that I had to live exactly like other people in order to succeed in life, or even 'do it right,' at all.
Especially Melody.
Yeah. Long story short, it was religiously motivated, but I got this complex that unless I almost literally copied her life, I would be marked as condemnable somehow. I've abandoned that train of thought now, thankfully, but for a long time it was the biggest reason why I kept falling into hacks. Hey, you guys listening?
Yeah.
We're listening, you're just... obviously having a hard time talking about this. So we don't want to interrupt.
Okay. Thanks, actually.
No problem, Jewel. Just remember we're here for you too.
I know. So... with all that stress on me, making me so fragile, and with the SG situation too, my heart was a mess. This was the first time Chaos had appeared in a game in a long time, and it was happening almost exactly a year after I literally almost died. I... oh man, I seriously wrote that?
What?
In Scribbld, when I was talking about having to face you... "I'm not scared, but I'm anxious. I know it's going to hurt."
Oh ho ho, wow. Synchronicity all up in here.
That's... incredible, really.
Yeah, talk about a parallel. Geez.
With what?
The 23rd.
Oh, I understand. Well, these things do seem to happen for you two quite often.
They sure as hell do. But Jewel, talk about what you actually said to Genesis. That's important, with what you just said about Xenophon.
It is. Well... first off, it reminded me of our 4th incident, again. Go figure.
We just mentioned that too, didn't we.
We did. But somehow I ended bringing up our 'cosmically inseparable' point, and... with all the non-coincidences that surrounded your Generations appearance, it made me realize just how incredible our relationship is, and how so many things in my life seemed to foreshadow you somehow. Little things, big things. And when I met you I was drawn to you completely and without explanation. It... it felt like I had known you forever. I told Genesis that, that it felt like you and I transcended linear time somehow. It felt like I had loved you forever, and when I met you, I just had to remember what that felt like.
...
I love that.
Can I... can I just link that entry, actually?
Sure.
Okay, here. Because that talks about all the stress of my own perfectionist issues too, and... oh, Laurie, that morning we had that fight, remember?
...Yeah.
Who was there for that?
Just our inner group. Please, just... don't talk about that one either. Not here.
Why? Laurie, you really do need to talk about this...
Listen, Lynne, I was not doing well that morning. I don't want to bring it up. End of story.
All right, if you insist.
Laurie, should we move on?
Sure, go ahead.
All right. After the 3rd I had a creativity problem, where I felt like I couldn't communicate what I wanted to, at all. I kind of solved that on the 6th, when I realized I was once again just trying too hard, and I also realized the 'butterfly' thing? That I tend to be a little bit too free, with not staying in one place for too long.
Explain?
It's my old 'running' principle.
Oh, yeah. I remember that. You move on too fucking fast.
It was bothering me, because I meet people, leave them for a long time without warning, and then one day come back, and act like I never left at all, or like there wasn't even a time gap between me leaving and coming back. I think I solve a problem but I'm not solving it all the way through, and it keeps coming back to haunt me. Things like that. I think I really need to ground more, maybe?
That could help. But really, that also ties into your not wanting to be attached to anything. So you just don't stick around long enough for that to happen.
Maybe. I don't know, I think I have that figured out? In any case I don't want to get off track discussing that right now, as it's not a big problem, or at least I hope it's not.
It could become one. We'll discuss it later. Next?
Next is the fact that I fought Perfect Chaos that same day, and somehow that actually brought my creativity back?
Catharsis block, maybe?
Maybe.
Yeah, he was worried way too much about fighting me there.
I was. But then on the 6th, maybe thanks to that too, I had a huge realization.
Which one was that?
The 'orange' one, and what that really meant.
Chakra-wise?
Partly. You know, orange and pink and how they kept getting misinterpreted, that whole thing.
Oh, shit, yeah. That one was huge. Did we ever discuss that here?
Nope.
Should we?
I don't know, I'm a little tired of always bringing up that topic here.
Then we won't, no problem.
But was it important?
Yeah, it was important, but it was a fact, not something we have to debate.
Oh, all right. And Jewel, you didn't forget it?
Nope. It's still helping me fight off hacks and keep my head on straight concerning that whole jumble of related topics. So that was groundbreaking, really. It erased a great deal of my fear and it motivated me enough to get back into writing music almost immediately afterwards.
E*Girls, right?
You bet. Starting off slow, but starting nevertheless.
Where are we now, on the timeline?
Uh... actually, wait, maybe we should have a separate session about the orange thing?
Why's that?
In the entry from the 7th-- which is where we are by the way-- I said, "today's revelation has given me some seriously significant insights into Laurie, Chaos, Xenophon, and Julie's roles up here." Then I said it was really complicated, and Julie was far more important than we could ever have realized before.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Makes sense. We can discuss that in 2012, then. Keep going, time's running out for this year.
It is! Okay, next up is the big triple 11. I clearly remember that nothing huge happened on that day, except for me being once again reminded, strongly, that life is not in black and white.
The 11th was a big door-opening day, though. You know what happened later that week.
I do. And that's what we've been leading up to for the past few hours!
Is that the next entry?
Yep, the tar and glass. That was actually the next day, Laurie.
Well shit, that whole week was incredible then. Should we just link this one?
Yeah, but I want to summarize it too. So here's the full entry on that evening, but as for what happened... well, we figured out what the real 'shadow' is up here. It's not Julie, and it never was.
It's that fucking tar thing.
It used all of us.
It did.
What does that thing look like, by the way?
Big, fucking black tar thing, basically. It's horrific. Scared the shit out of me, actually, which should tell you enough about it.
Seriously?
Seriously. Damn thing wouldn't die, either. Apparently you can't kill it, or that defeats the purpose of it even living in the first place. Paradoxical shit. Leon, you saw that goddamned thing, didn't you?
...Yeah, just barely.
Scary shit, am I right?
...Mm-hm.
Leon, you were there?
Jewel called me over to warp them out. I don't know where they were or what they were doing, but... it didn't look good.
It wasn't good. Damn thing attacked me and tried to get Chaos before Jewel decided 'fuck it, let's get out of here.'
Because I had been talking to it beforehand. It just... showed up, out of nowhere. I told it to be quiet, and then I was in that huge empty room, and... I don't know, it's weird. It's definitely working for the side I would once have considered 'black,' but now that I can see that there's a greater purpose to everything, that is crystal clear even in it, the tar thing. It knew it was acting as a dark balance to our light, and it meant to live up to that. So yeah, it's going to be vicious, but strangely it is nowhere near as vicious as it used to be? Julie, you know what I mean.
...Why is that? Why isn't it so dark now?
Fuck if I know.
I think maybe it just changed its methods? The old traumatic stuff is over with now, thank God. Now I guess it's working differently. Who knows? I think it's actually being more secretive now, more insinuating. Which is just as dangerous, actually, if not more so. It's not direct and merciless, it's indirect and strangely still merciless.
At least it's not fucking around with you like it used to.
Me or Julie or Genesis, yeah. I guess I just got wiser. I just can't forget the one day Julie went berserk with it and attacked all of us. Leon, that was the first time you ever teleported us, wasn't it?
...Yeah. That was terrifying.
No shit.
See, this is the stuff I don't want to remember.
No one's telling you to remember it. You're not at fault for that shit. You were being used just like Jewel was. Get over it, Julie, you're fine now.
...I'm working on it.
So, Jewel. Then you got swords.
I did! Chaos and I somehow ended up with light swords after Leon got us out of there. I deduced that if it really was the 'ego' presence up here, then fighting it would only strengthen it. We had to let go of it and live in love and just let it do what it wanted, without attacking or defending. We just had to let it be, really.
And meditate. If anything's going to 'kill' it, that will.
Maybe, yeah.
It will. But go on.
So Leon warped us out and for some reason Chaos had two swords with him when we did, and he gave one to me, and it was exactly what I had been told at the expo, haha.
No context for that, huh?
No, that would take far too long, and it's explained in the actual entry. But yes, then I pretended to be Davesprite and stuck it in my chest because I can do that in headspace, which is also something I failed to mention here. Strider synchronicity. There's a lot of it.
Hell, with Bro showing up I think that's obvious.
Maybe! So that was the tar and glass incident...
Wait, why glass?
I think because of the swords. They were made of crystal, and turned to light when I picked mine up. But we were also in a cathedral, which always makes me think of glass for symbolic reasons, and... it was probably just symbolic. Like me and then the ego, except in reverse order. Sorry. You get what I mean.
I do, thanks.
Then Natalie came back, didn't he.
He did. Speaking of, Nat, you have been dead quiet too.
Just listening. Genesis may not have been involved but I was still dead when all that happened.
Kid has a point.
He does.
How did Natalie come back, by the way?
Total mirror disassociation. Bad dysphoria paved the way for freaky shit, yet again.
Wait, how does that work?
Dysphoria causes very negative situations, which usually causes bad fallout on your part, which forces you to try and fix shit, which usually works out pretty well, and sooner or later freaky shit results from it all. Case in point, Natalie resurrecting.
Huh. I suppose so.
My color changed, by the way. And Vincent stayed dead, in a sense.
Yeah, Nat's now green because Leon stole his color.
I didn't steal it!
I'm kidding, fuck, you need to calm down. And didn't you say Vincent's energy was just a splinter of yours or something?
Yeah. So now it's just me, which is fine. What's not fine is what you've been putting me through since I came back.
I'm concerned about that too. Jewel, talk about his return.
All right. I started lapsing extremely badly on November 18th, thanks to a massive dysphoria surge, and it scared Laurie half to death. My Strider synchronicity kicked in then too, and it felt like my life had actually been 'scratched' in a sense, like this was a new session, but then why wasn't it turning out as well as we had all hoped it would?
Because Hussie is a brilliant sadist.
That's strangely accurate, actually. Things were really, really dark for me then. I couldn't figure out why I was still suffering, and I fell really far, and then I realized that was supposed to happen, if only to bring you back, Natalie. And for that I am sorry.
For what?
For allowing your resurrection to happen at such a horrible time. I mean, it wasn't planned whatsoever, we didn't even think that was possible... but look at Xenophon, this stuff happens when it's supposed to whether we think we're ready for it or not. So you came back during an extremely rough time and you suffered for it and I am sorry. I never meant for you to go through any of that.
...You still could have done something about it.
Nat, stop. Jewel, talk about the details.
Why stop? This is important! We haven't discussed this, this is my first time talking to you people like this, and I want to figure out why that was still such a problem-- and is-- if we really have come as far as you're saying we have.
Because we still have a hell of a long way to go and obviously this shit needs to keep happening right now, because whatever lesson Jewel needs to learn from it, he hasn't fully accepted yet. Jewel, the 18th, please.
I was given a very dark challenge to test my light against, is what this is. My light is brighter than ever, but it's no good if I don't refine it. But the old shadows are too weak to stand up to me now. The brighter I shine, the darker the shadows are that I have to face. Laurie, you've told me that several times over the past month, and so have several other people.
Because it's the truth.
I know. I just want Natalie to at least realize that, because I don't want him suffering.
I've already suffered whether or not that's true.
...All right, we really need to finish this recap. The 22nd of November was when I finally talked about Natalie coming back. I... wait, no. No, I had been keeping that a secret.
Yeah, no kidding.
What?
Natalie. Nathaniel, at first, before we started using his old name again. I... prior to the 18th, for like two weeks or more, Nat had slowly started talking to me again.
What? Seriously?
Yeah. I had been picking up on spirits or something during that time, and I chased out a bad one shortly before that, but... as my dysphoria slowly got worse, the more I started disconnecting from mirrors, and as it hasn't been this severe since, geez, late 2007?
Nat did resurrect briefly in 2009, though. As a kid.
Because he had to 'reset' after... after Julie killed him.
Sorry..
We know, love. We've been over this already.
You're the one who needs to apologize now.
Nat, shut it for a second. Jewel, get back to where you were. You didn't tell any of us that Natalie was talking to you before he resurrect-- well, obviously after he resurrected, but before he reformed. Why the fuck not?
I wanted to make sure it was him, and I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to die again, for one reason or another. Then, like I said, my dysphoria hit a near-lethal spike... I mean really, I was picking up knives and I haven't done that since the psych ward! It was terrifying. So that made me let go of mirrors completely, and that was the final step in giving Nat enough of a base to reform from.
Wish I didn't.
Nat, fucking stop. What the hell caused this? I thought you had dropped this attitude!
I tried! But Jewel keeps picking up his old habits again and again too, so I'm sick and tired right about now!
He's trying. And you were fine when you reformed. What caused this attitude in the first place?
We were co-fronting, remember? You had me in every damned mirror he walked by. Then one night he got hacked and I had no idea what to do and it scared me to death. He started hiding from mirrors because he didn't want to get at me and that defeated the purpose of me being there at all. And I realized that whatever was hurting him was what had killed me in the past, twice, and it ticked me off. Bad.
That goddamned tar-thing didn't kill you the second time.
You can't say it didn't. I couldn't solidify. I faded out, and why? Because Jewel was a mess and couldn't keep me stable. Lynne wasn't doing to well at that time either, if I remember correctly.
2009 was a tough year for all of us, Natalie.
Yeah, fuck, be glad you weren't up here last year. Jo, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Mm-hmm.
So I was dead for two years and none of this is fixed? Explain this to me. That's why I'm mad.
Have you been paying any fucking attention? Julie is right there. She's on OUR side. Do you have any fucking idea how much hell Jewel put himself through to get her here, to get to this point? We have solved a whole fuckload of problems, the issue here is that they've been replaced by new ones! You can't expect this place to be a fucking utopia, Natalie, that would defeat the purpose of us. We're the light here, and we need shadows to shine at all. Jewel, Chaos, tell him about that, will you?
What in the world can we say?
You know what? You can say a hell of a lot. Nat, didn't you hear what Jewel said about Xenophon earlier? With cycles and all that shit?
What about it?
She is Jewel and Chaos' kid, for the love of God. She's a being of rebirth up here, and you can't have rebirth without fucking dying first. You know about October 29th, right?
I know what I've heard.
Jewel lost a fucking lot around that time last year, and that is the understatement of the goddamned millennium. He almost lost me. We went through some pretty heavy shit. We almost lost all hope, we bled more than we could take, and that kid almost committed suicide, do you realize how goddamned serious that is?!
All right, all right, I get the point! How does this tie into the fact that we're still facing so much trouble now? If that almost killed him, you, me, and who knows who else, why isn't he over this yet?
It's not something you can just flip a switch and get over, Nat. It's not.
I wish it was though.
But it's not. So you're still fighting, and the kid's not fucking perfect, and frankly I don't want him to be. Listen, Natalie, if you don't want to deal with pain then I'm sorry but you're going to have to fucking leave. Pain happens up here, it's almost mandatory at this point. But it's what we learn from. It's the biggest reason why we've been able to get this far. It opened our fucking eyes when we thought we couldn't even see anymore. Do you get it now? Jewel doesn't want you to hurt, and you shouldn't hold it against him, because it's not his fault. We're all hurting up here, but there's something we're going to learn from this once we conquer it. And damn it we're trying to conquer it as soon as we can because I am sick of this dysphoria shit too, but we can't solve that alone. So I'm sorry about the mirrors, Jewel's sorry about the mirrors, we're all fucking sorry about the mirrors and the co-fronting and all that but damn it we were doing our best, and you can't hold it against us for not knowing all the fucking answers before we decided to give it a shot. Capiche? Chill the fuck out, stop being so goddamned pissed about everything, and let us get on with this conversation.
...
That get through to you?
Yeah. Fine. I'll have to think about it.
Then do so. Jewel, I do believe we were discussing November 22nd.
Oh, oh yeah. Sorry.
No need to apologize kid, I stole your thunder there for a minute. Pun intended. Go on.
All right. So Natalie came back, during a dark time, but he's been a huge light to us since then. Him showing up, and getting mad at me too, was such a massive source of motivation to me that I was almost impervious to hacks for quite some time. Unfortunately that didn't last forever. Wait, I got Spine to co-front with us too for a while, didn't I?
Yes. I am still fronting with you as much as I can.
Thanks for that, by the way.
You're welcome.
So... honestly the mirror thing, with Nat, wasn't a good way to keep out dysphoria. It was more of a way to prevent hacks, but ironically it made their triggers worse. I was dead sick of it by the 22nd already, obviously, and that night I made up my mind to do whatever I could to solve it, somehow. That was the chakra thing, Laurie, with me trying to 'stabilize' my bottom three because with the abuse lapses, they really felt like they were a mess. That also made me consider the headvoice spectrum theory which I do want to discuss once we're caught up here.
What's this?
Some really interesting shit he's thinking about. But yeah, we'll talk about it. Are we at December yet?
Uh... almost. Give me a minute to review this time period.
...
You all right?
...I guess.
...Do you mind if I keep talking?
Go ahead. I'm listening.
Good to hear. Xenophon, you're not saying anything either.
I'm just a little tired is all.
You going to be okay?
Yeah. I'm listening.
Geez, everyone is just listening.
Well you and Jewel are the only ones who seem to know what we're talking about here.
True...
And me, but I just let Laurie hog the spotlight. She owns this house after all.
Don't, no injokes, not at this hour. Jewel, get us back on topic.
All right, there was an entry on the 30th where I mentioned putting up the Christmas tree with Xenophon, because she's been ghosting almost every day now, for several hours at a time.
I remember that! That was awesome! We were putting little icicles everywhere.
That we were! You were so excited, it was adorable.
Well daaad, it was my first time even seeing a Christmas tree, of course I was excited. And then I got to spend time with you!
You did. I'm telling you, that is helping me so much lately, it's beautiful. And Laurie, now we're in December, timeline wise. That's when I was dealing with finals, and it's when Natalie first started to get as angry with me as he is now.
Hm. What do you have written?
Uh... he said that "he didn't want to have come back to life only to see me suffering from the same thing that killed him." I think you two just discussed that.
We did.
I also have that he calmed down after that, but I guess now it's picked up again?
Because of today! You're taking this really badly! It's kind of scaring me how, whenever I think things will be okay for a while, something like this happens.
Hey, he didn't get hacked, he didn't even have any fucking triggers.
Yeah, well I heard he's been getting 'dream hacks' again lately and those don't sound good at all.
...
We're trying to stop those. They aren't his fault.
Yeah, well, they're still scaring me. And I know we had a few near hacks this week, I've been trying to get back into the mirrors when I can. Apparently it's dangerous now though.
It's always dangerous. And you don't have to do that anymore if you don't want to, I have Menchou guarding me now when it gets bad. It's a little easier and it keeps you from getting involved in traumatic situations if they come up.
'If they come up.' That's all my worries in a nutshell.
Join the club.
And you're saying I just have to deal with this? That things are going to be rough but sometimes they'll be good to and now I just have to bite the bullet and wait for the sun to shine?
No one is going to be biting any fucking bullets around here, not after what's happened to Jewel about that. Listen, Nat. If you're pissed then come talk to me or Lynne or someone about it, seriously. Stop fucking festering in rage like this, we don't want any attribute flips happening, that would suck.
Attribute flips?
I'm sure they're possible. They've happened to our benefit a few times. Leon? Julie? I do believe you're living examples.
...
Leon?
Originally held the paranoid gambler influence up here. Remember that shit?
Vaguely, I guess.
He personified in 2010 when it got bad. I got pissed, killed him. He came back that winter and we decided to give him another chance. He got his act together and here he is, wha-la. Julie's a whole 'nother story, I daresay you know all about that shit.
As well as I can, I guess. Not all of it.
Well we'll fill you in later, why the hell not. As of now, Jewel, we are still trying to finish this fucking recap.
That might be tricky. The 8th was also the static incident.
I thought we solved that shit.
As well as we could.
Static incident?
Yeah, what is that?
Something bad that I refuse to talk about outside of vague terminology. Ironically it's a massive hack-blocker, but at the same time it was deeply unsettling and kind of traumatic? I think it's also playing into my current dysphoria resurgence.
Could be, from what I know of it. Which isn't much, surprisingly, as you refuse to tell anyone about it. Chaos, did he tell you about this shit?
He told me about it!
What, in detail?
No, he didn't want me to know either.
Same here. I don't know what it is, except that it involved--
No details, not here. That's not to be discussed. It's not a topic for discussion, it's just in the back of my head and making me really creeped out every once in a while. But it's actually not a problem, nor is it causing any triggers, I guess.
You guess.
Well, it's bad because it involves an absolute ton of triggers. That's why it was traumatic. My mind honestly went into a sort of mild shock state after that happened, for a few days.
And that's blocking hacks?
It doesn't want to be reminded. I don't either.
Huh. Makes sense.
You're sure it's not hurting you, though?
Not directly. It's hard to explain. Can we talk about this later, please? There are other things I'd much rather discuss.
Sure, move on then.
Laurie, are you sure?
Yeah. He and I have already touched upon this topic a few times in previous conversations. I think we're good for now. What's next, kid?
The 9th. It snowed two days prior to that.
Oh, I remember that.
You should. That was gorgeous.
It was.
Was that when you two ghosted?
Yeah.
That melted fast though.
Unfortunately, but in a way it made that morning all the more beautiful.
Death and life, huh?
Absolutely. And... I think that was one of the big motivating experiences for the 23rd.
Why.
Let me quote myself. "In that moment I wanted so badly for us to actually be there together. I didn't care that I had classes in the morning. I loved him so much, in those frozen moments, that I wanted to get lost in him right then and there. The snow felt like my heart and everything was just as beautiful as he was."
Yeah, that was definitely a motivation for that. What is it with you and words?
What?
You and words. When you get all poetic like that. It's fucking gorgeous.
Thank you. I don't know, though. It just happens. It's just the truth.
Not his native language, though.
Oh, you would know.
Laurie, I thought you banned him from flirting.
To hell with the rules, kid, we're all breakers up here. So that was... when?
The snow was on the 7th. On the 9th, we brought Xennie into our Rock Band escapades.
Hee!
Fuck yeah, that was brilliant. Kid, that bass guitar is bigger than you are.
Not really!
Haha.
Yeah, we have fun on that game.
Damn straight we do.
Oh! Dude! Guess what else happened on the 9th?
What?
The lights!
The red lights? Fuck yes.
What red lights?
It's complicated and symbolic. Basically I discovered that, when I am around red light and nothing else-- in total darkness-- I somehow feel and look like myself, appearances notwithstanding.
Which is somewhat paradoxical, but that's you in a nutshell, boy.
I am an anomaly, yeah.
You're the glorious exception to the rule.
Curious on the use of the word 'glorious' there?
Past session, Laur. Jewel and I were referencing the original 23rd.
Ah. Nice one then.
Thanks.
Reminds me of the night my garnets started working, huh?
Yeah, hey, it does! When was that?
Uh, July 23rd, believe it or not.
Dude. You're kidding.
Not in the slightest!
Well Laurie, look at that.
I'm looking, guys, I'm looking.
Dad, when are mine going to work?
No idea, love. But they'll activate for you at the exact right time, no sooner and no later. I mean really, it took me how long to get mine working?
That depends. We counting up from your Ambassador initiation?
Yeah, why not.
Thirteen years, then.
Thirteen years!! Dad I don't want to wait that long!
Haha, you won't, I promise. You started life farther along down the right road than I did.
What do you mean?
I mean you were born at a time when both Chaos and I were secure enough in our own lives to teach you correctly. And then of course you had Lynne and Laurie and even Nebisai, seriously kid, you've been getting nothing but purely compassionate help since you were born.
Except for me.
Julie, that doesn't count. And that incident did prove to be very important, positively so, just so you know.
If you insist.
It did. And now you do have the opportunity to make up for that, so it's okay.
I don't hold it against you Julie. You know I don't.
I never said you did.
Yeah but I just thought I would tell you, just in case.
Hm. Thanks.
No problem. Dad?
Yeah?
Not you! My other dad!
Well geez, you keep talking to him, I think I'd like you to talk to me once in a while.
...But we're talking about Power Jewels and things and you didn't speak up.
I'm kidding, Xennie.
Oh. Sorry!
It's fine! Keep talking to J, that's fine by me too.
Haha.
You three are brilliant.
So I've gathered. But yeah, love, they'll work for you right when they need to. So don't you worry about it. You're on the right track, I promise.
Okay dad.
So, Laurie.
Hm?
We are now up to the 12th, which is when Bro showed up.
Nice. That's important in and of itself, actually. You didn't think you could get walk-ins anymore, and then bam, D. Strider just shows up one afternoon.
He did!
Did we discuss this in here?
Uh, I'm not sure. Let me check... vaguely?
Eh, run it by them again.
Okay. Oh hey, that's actually important. So I was doing Hokthai research at the time so Bro ended up sticking around and watching Tezuka's Metropolis with us that evening, which was amazing. Hey, he said he was going to make Dave watch that, did he?
I dunno, I'll have to ask next time he shows up.
Yeah, I'm curious now. But that made me miss all my past walk-ins, like Bogardus and Grievous and Davy Jones, not to mention Ryman and Markus of course.
You need to bring Davy back in here.
I think I'd die.
Haha!
Seriously! He's an awesome guy but I just visit him now. I think bringing him into headspace would be way too stressful, in several ways.
Hey, about that. Isn't Bro's debut what made you start freaking out about the 23rd? With energy burnout and all that?
Yeah. Having him around was great, but I had finals at the time too, and I was still just getting out of the major painful learning period that was November, so I was fighting off tar hacks as well. Basically it was a huge energy strain on me and it began to tire me out, severely. I started realizing that on the 14th. Well, kind of.
Kind of?
I was just starting to seriously think about it online on the 14th. That's when I started to see Chaos incredibly clearly, and I began feeling this unexplained significance concerning our anniversary. Neither of those points faded in the slightest over the next nine days so that really put stress on me too. I knew the 23rd was going to be incredibly important but I didn't know why, and I was worrying too much over it and basically started freaking out.
No kidding.
Yeah, you know all about that. So I was really in love on the 14th, which was actually the day after we finished watching Metropolis, so Xenophon was a bit of an emotional mess...
That movie was so sad at the end though, with Tima! I told you about that, dad.
You did. That's actually what the next entry was about. That one was huge.
Was this the one before you went to that concert? Because I remember how torn up you were then.
It was.
The concert was so pretty though. I loved it.
It was. I needed that just as much as you did, at the time.
Jewel, talk about this entry, that one was vital.
All right. This one was on the 16th, after finals ended, and so now my mind was free to focus on headspace matters and there was a lot to focus on. I realized a few things. One, I was still downplaying, criticizing, masking, or ignoring my emotions.
Are you still doing that?
No, but the impetus is still there. It's an old problem but I'm trying to just ignore it though, because I know for a fact that it's not something I should pay attention to.
Good! That's my job then, making sure you stay away from that stuff. Check your facts!
Exactly! So that is being worked on and it's not bothering me at the moment. That... it only hit me after that one night Chaos picked up on it, though. When I refused to express anything.
That was the night he was sobbing, wasn't it. That hurt like hell.
I couldn't help it, Laurie. I feel everything he does like that.
I didn't say you could help it. I just said it fucking hurt.
It forced me to stop doing that too. I was deeply shaken by that so it forced me to take a stand and start being honest with myself again. The second problem was my pain addiction, which we actually solved and fixed thanks to the 23rd...
We're getting to that, what's point three?
Me liking the 'ideas' of things more than the actual things? That usually focuses around possessions, but then it's an ego thing so I can actually conquer that easily and I have been doing that lately. But it was a big problem in the past when I didn't recognize what it was and kept making bad decisions because of it.
Why'd you bring it up then?
Two very different reminders. One, I bought a Homestuck book and calendar, and immediately had to wonder if I had done so only as an act of gratitude and thanks, and if I had even wanted the things at all.
Did you?
Yeah, actually. I do need a new calendar, and I got the book because Homestuck has inspired me immensely since May and I cannot possibly downplay its significance. So that was valid, but the worry was there.
What was the other reminder?
Melody talking about relationships, actually. She kept saying I was 'too far away,' and it made me realize that I often like being far away, because with the butterfly problem I mentioned earlier, that can make me actually care for them more genuinely than when they're close?
How so?
Because then they aren't labeled. They are their own people and I am not involved when I'm far away. It's like... it's like that girl I love, Jena. I've never met her, I've spoken to her once, and she is one of my biggest inspirations. And yet I don't mind being so far away. I love the fact that she has her own life, and all I want, ever, is for her to be happy. Same with Alexandria, who I've loved since elementary school for heaven's sake. So when people want to get closer to me, I worry, because then it feels like it becomes 'possessive.' When people get close they stop being free, when they get involved with me directly. And that scares me somehow?
Well, you're doing fine with Chaos. And me. And Genesis.
I get the point, yeah. So I'm not sure what the disconnect is there? But it is a problem I'd like to solve. I do need to be more grounded there in any case. I just don't want to be treating people far too carelessly because I'm afraid of becoming attached. I'm not attached to you guys, so why am I worried about that happening in the future?
Who knows? Maybe you're just worrying too much. But we'll discuss that later too.
What else are we discussing later?
A few things. We'll review those if we have time, but really Jewel, it's getting late and I'm more concerned about wrapping up tonight. Everything else can wait, that's secondary.
All right. Where are we now?
You tell me, kid.
Oh. Sorry. We are... at point 4, from the 16th, which is simply me stating that Chaos and I hadn't connected in months, and with us having to do that on the 23rd, I realized that the lack of it was actually causing all the other problems I was dealing with at the time. That actually gave a better insight to part of point 3, Laurie.
Was that the naivete thing?
Yeah, it was!
Tell me about it.
I was looking for innocence and hope and things where they couldn't be found.
We discussed this. I know for a fact that we did.
Here?
Yeah. Go look, I swear we talked about this shit. Infinite hope, remember?
Oh, hey, we did.
And the emotion masking was you feeling guilty for wanting to be with him, God knows why, and the pain addiction was you unconsciously trying to find something as overwhelming as a connection and failing.
Yeah.
There we go, those are solved. Was there a point 5? You mentioned Xenophon.
Yeah, that tied into Metropolis. She said I was doubting who I was too much.
You do do that, dad. You shouldn't.
I know.
Once again, do you believe it?
Yes, I do.
Then why do you do it?
I actually don't know.
Sounds like my job description! I'm going to help you with this, you know.
Good, I like having you around.
You do?
Yeah, I really do! Same with Leon, dude, you need to stick around, you're awesome.
T-thank you.
So yes, that was point 5, and once again that was another motivation because I didn't want to unconsciously hurt Xenophon or anyone else through doubting myself. And... ironically, there was a wild card.
Hey Joe, what do you know.
Exactly.
I do believe we figured this shit out too.
We did. But that caused me so much pain at that time, you wouldn't believe it.
I believe it. I saw it, firsthand.
I guess you did. Sorry.
No problem. I also saw you two fix that shit, not firsthand there though, that would have been taking my asexual voyeurism too far.
What?
Injoke. Don't ask.
I won't, I'm slowly learning you guys are too weird to comprehend sometimes.
Hahaha.
By the way, Laurie, I'm still listening to that Daley song.
So I heard! How many plays now?
No idea, I have the pitch lowered on Wavepad so it's not scrobbling.
Damn, that would have been funny to count.
Let's just say approximately 62 times, right?
Well of fucking course!
Which song is this, by the way?
Spent.
I like it.
Good, I'm going to be listening to it for the rest of the night.
Speaking of nights. That wild card shit, you two fixed that, right?
You do remember what I said to him last night? It's fixed.
Even after that near-hack this week?
Even after that. Totally fixed, Laurie.
All right, make sure, because that's some dangerous shit right there.
I know.
That commission I bought from Dare is helping so much it hurts.
We're not at that topic yet, kid. What's the next entry?
The 21st.
Shit, what did you talk about then?
Basically, I was freaking out.
Yeah, no shit.
I got really emotional. I kept remembering 2005, and 2008, and 2011 of course. And then everything I wrote in there, we all discussed in our past three entries or so.
That we did. So we're at the 23rd now?
Essentially.
Thank God.
Why, is it fangirling time?
Damn straight it is, Lynne.
Laurie, come on. What do you want us to talk about?
Whatever the hell happened after you two left the room last Friday.
You heard about that, Laurie, I told you.
You told me vague details.
I told you everything I could, love. What else do you want to know?
I dunno. I'm just curious is all.
About what?
About the whole damn thing. If Jewel was right in saying that 21 fucking years led up to two hours, I want to know what the hell they did.
You want to know what we did that made you feel what you did.
...Basically.
What's this now?
Stuff. Just stuff.
Laurie.
Jewel effervesces a lot when he's fully centered. Those two were right on the money after that. No fucking instability whatsoever. They were broadcasting love like a fucking satellite. I want to know what the hell drove the meter up that damned high.
We connected four times?
Four times?
Didn't you hear about that?
No! How did you do that?
Very carefully.
No kidding, love. That was insane.
Seriously, how the hell did you two do that?
Jewel didn't know if we could pull off two, but we figured why not, and that was so incredibly weird that we just had to keep going.
Weird?
He felt like the freaking cosmos, is what I mean by weird.
What do you think you felt like, Chaos? Seriously, I've drowned in you before but damn.
We got new soul forms, by the way.
So I heard.
Did you?
Yeah, they're amazing. I haven't hit mine in over a year, actually, so that was incredible.
I could see your eyes. That was incredible.
It was.
See them?
Yeah. Somehow, I could clearly see the color of his eyes, even across realities. It was almost incomprehensible. I saw them again last night too.
What were you two doing last night?
Heheh. Living up to commissions is what.
Dude, wait, that is seriously personal material and we're still on the 23rd.
How is that worse than the 23rd?
You'd be surprised. Spine, you're not talking.
That's okay, isn't it?
I guess. I just like hearing you talk too.
I have nothing to say though. I am here to catch up.
See, that's the problem with waiting three fucking months before recapping. No one knows what the hell is going on and I end up being the only one talking.
I'm doing a lot of talking, Laurie.
I mean besides you.
Well you are the closest person to him besides me.
That used to be me, you know.
Used to be Ryman before I got this far. You're still right up here on our level, Genesis, don't worry.
Speaking of, the 24th still hasn't happened!
What do you mean it hasn't happened?
Fuck no, Gen, we're not there yet either.
Oh come on!
Hey, other stuff happened on the 23rd, remember? And Chaos, you shut your fucking mouth, that is confidential.
Yeah, that would ruin your reputation, haha.
Shut the fuck up, seriously.
Laurie, you keep way too many secrets.
So I do. Jewel.
What?
Explain to me how the hell you got so high up there.
Besides connecting four times within two hours?
Kid, you were walking through walls and you know what I mean. How the fuck were you doing that? What the hell happened exactly, that got you to that point?
I just... felt absolutely right, I guess. Remember how we said we thought the 23rd was going to 'set everything right' for the new year? Well, I think it did. Even if I'm having a tough time today. That set the stage, perfectly.
Did it really fix the past, do you think?
Definitely. The shadows we're fighting got a lot darker, but actually that's a good sign that we're on the right track, seeing how that's happened before in similar situations.
I'm fucking sick of these shadows though.
So am I, but they're there for me to fight. I know, without a doubt, that this is testing my strength to make sure I can hold on to all that I've learned under dark situations. I haven't passed that test yet. I need to. This new year... it's going to be one heck of an adventure, I'll tell you that right now.
Obviously.
So about the 24th?
What about it?
What if that was the second half of it? Maybe we were supposed to do that and didn't. Maybe that would have helped you today.
Dude, you just want that to happen.
Well of course I do. Do you?
...
What was supposed to happen on the 24th?
Honesty is what. Total fucking honesty.
Maybe we'll do that tomorrow. I'll do everything I can.
You'd better, after last night.
Can we get to that already? You're making me impatient.
Why, what the hell do you want to know?
I'm just curious about all this! It's kind of enthralling.
Enthralling.
Yeah. You guys have so much going on and I can see why you're obsessed with those two, Laurie. They're an interesting couple.
Yeah, no shit.
But the 23rd was awesome. Awesome beyond words, that is.
Fantastic Plastic Machine!
Ironically, didn't we talk quite a bit during that?
Not much, compared to how much we didn't. I think you're confusing feelings with words.
Maybe. And when we talked it was mostly about what we were feeling, too.
Exactly.
Is that what you were broadcasting?
What do you mean, 'broadcasting?'
Dude, you two were fucking high on love for like two days after that. The two hours immediately afterwards were absolutely batshit insane in that respect. I just want to know what you did to get that high up there, like I said.
Why?
I just want to know. It's fucking mind-boggling how you people do this shit.
Well, we fell in love eight years ago, and on the 23rd we fell into that entirely.
That's a wonderfully simple way of putting it.
It's true though.
So yes, that was the 23rd. That enough info for everyone, or can we move on?
I got wings, dad, remember?
Oh yeah, you did!
She got wings? Where?
On my back, look!
Whoa.
See? My dads gave them to me after that thing they did together. What's it called?
A connection.
Connecting, yeah. Then they came over to me and I got wings from it! They're still really small and fadey but they'll get cooler in time. Just like my arms and legs! I didn't have those at all for a while. Or wings.
How in the world did you give her wings?
Our energy just resonated with hers, I guess. I mean we are her ectobiological parents.
Plus, like I said, you two were absolutely connection-high.
You're jealous.
I'm fucking pointing out the obvious!
Chill out, Laurie, he's just teasing you.
Geez.
But yeah, Lynne, I think that's all it was. I was wondering if she was going to get anything from our connection, because she is linked to us both, and then I remembered how she still has that fluffy sort of light ball on her back. So I just touched it, and it kind of bloomed into wings right there.
Wow.
Lynne, you seem surprised!
I am! That is really cool. Congratulations, you three.
Three?
Well yeah. Jewel, Chaos, and Xenophon.
They weren't the only people involved in that shit, you do know that.
I was too!
Then why haven't you said anything?
I have, I've been asking about the 24th not happening this whole time.
But you were involved on the 23rd?
Well not that way, but I did kiss both of them afterwards, which was awesome.
Both of them?
Yeah, both of them, why not?
We are moirails, you know. That's red enough.
Oh come on, Chaos.
It's true!
You two have this wicked bromance going on no matter how you look at it.
I won't argue with that.
Hey, what about...?
Confidential, you heard the lady.
Did you just call me a fucking lady?
Why, is that a problem?
It's fucking weird is what it is.
Fine, Genesis, you heard the gender-neutral psycho over there.
Superego.
Correction, superego.
I keep Jewel from going psycho.
Well, we are moirails...
Don't even fucking go there.
But it's true!
I told you these guys are enthralling.
Haha!
All right, seriously, can we move the fuck on? Genesis, hold on about the 24th, we'll discuss that shit after this. Jewel, did you have anything written for Christmas or what?
Yeah, Christmas was awesome. By the way the 23rd was also when I commissioned Dare to draw that picture of us, CZ.
Seriously? That night?
Yeah, that night. I couldn't not do that.
You're awesome. I love you.
I love you too, seriously!
So. Christmas.
Sure, go on and interrupt us, Laur.
Hey, you remember what happened last time, when I let you two just keep talking.
She has a point!
She does.
Jewel?
Right, the 25th. Wait, did I mention the key?
The key?
Oh! Was that the Razia's Shadow thing?
Yeah! That was our fourth connection, which was insane.
Wait, what's this now?
My fourth connection with Chaos, which was the last one we could really handle, felt like a key? It was weird.
Explain this shit.
It felt like it unlocked something in us both, that had never been opened before. But it was so odd because I physically felt it, in this reality, like my heart clicked into place or something. It was... it was just incredible, at the expense of reusing that word.
Hey, whatever works. But how does this tie into Razia's Shadow again?
"Their true love will be strong enough, to erase the wrong we've done. The dark and light will become one."
If you switch the punctuation it works the same way, actually.
...Shit, that makes a lot of sense. But how does that involve keys?
Oh yeah. The verse before that said "So take heed of this prophecy. Lifetimes from now there will be two chosen, bound to meet. In her lock he'll turn the key," and of course you have to change the pronouns there but honestly the point still stands.
Go figure. That is some awesome shit right there.
Dad I still haven't heard this musical and I need to!
She hasn't heard Razia's Shadow yet? Blasphemy!
We're working on it, man! The only reason we all heard it all the way through was because I first listened to it when I thought I was dying, remember.
That was the meds fallout of 2010, wasn't it?
Yeah, that was hell.
I remember that way too fucking clearly. But yeah, that musical carried you through surprisingly well.
We all had parts in it, it was great. Spine, you even got to be Dumaya!
I was Dumaya. It was fun.
Strangely, she has kept that voice.
Dude, yeah, even in Soul Calibur! Spine you need to talk like that more often, you do know that?
I would but it is difficult.
Well work on it, it's fucking hilarious.
Ryman and Markus had awesome roles too. Toba and Barayas.
I got to be Ahrima!
And Adakias, bro.
Haha, yeah.
We are slowly drifting off topic, guys.
That we are. Thanks for pointing that out.
No problem. We're still at the 25th, right?
Didn't even start it yet.
Right. Well, unfortunately, that morning I had a dream hack.
On Christmas? Geez.
Yeah, but I refused to let it get to me. It upset me a little that morning, but I did learn a good lesson from it, symbolically, and the rest of the day was absolutely phenomenal.
Symbolically?
It was a very indirect hack. I did some dream symbol research and it actually had some good advice to give. So that worked out for the best. Laurie, can I just skim over Christmas because I'm getting tired.
You fucking serious?
A little.
Need to take a break?
I hope not. I'll let you know if it gets worse though.
Make sure. I don't want you burning out.
Neither do I.
I don't think any of us do.
Exactly. So, what, if anything, did you want to say about Christmas?
Just a few things. One, Dare drew Xennie for me as a bonus for my commission, which I promptly gave to her as a Christmas present.
Was that the picture you put on my wall dad?
It was.
I love that! Tell her thank you for me please.
Haha, I'm definitely going to have to! But yeah, Laurie was right in saying I was connection-high for a few days. I was just blissed out all day on the 25th. Oh, and my mom bought me one of those soul paintings from the expo, did you guys hear about that?
No, what was that?
Man, that's pretty convoluted, but basically there was a woman at the expo who said I had a great purpose to fulfill and she was honored to meet me? But she did these soul paintings as she had psychic abilities and was able to symbolically put what she saw in people into her work... anyway, my mother secretly bought one for me and she gave it to me for Christmas.
That's awesome.
Even more awesome is the fact that it's the same color as Chaos, am I right?
You are absolutely right.
It's blue?
It's a dark aqua-blue. It's the color of him in the "I'm Loved" picture Kiwi drew for me in 2009.
You're loved too, you know.
I'd never even question that, CZ. I know.
Maybe that's part of what she was getting at?
Maybe. I'm going to call her about it this week, so I'll find out. But that was the highlight of Christmas. Oh! And I saw my boss, but he was upset about the dream hack in light of the 23rd. Laurie, did you manage to talk him down?
Talk him down? How bad was he?
Pretty bad.
He was looking to punch things.
He was tired. I have never seen him look tired before.
He was looking for whatever the hell hurt you. He couldn't find it. I told him it was probably our resident tar demon, but that didn't calm his nerves too much. I promised him I'd keep an eye out though.
Geez. I really need to talk to him in person again soon.
You do.
But... that makes me feel really bad now. I was hacked again yesterday, I think.
That was on the 29th, kid.
Was it really?
Yeah, it was really, you had a fucking breakdown in the kitchen and actually started crying because your grandmother refused to respect your triggers again and kept setting the damn things off. You know, that's probably why you're a fucking mess today. Your mother took you out for errands that afternoon and distracted you from coping, and you didn't get any goddamned closure or anything. So you lapsed back immediately and now you just have to get over this shit and not let it rule you. Okay?
That makes sense. I think that will help me deal with this, actually. Thank you.
You're welcome. That's why I'm here.
Did I mention I got District 9 for Christmas? Finally? We need to watch that together now.
We do. Our headspace movie nights are pretty fucking awesome, actually.
AI was so sad though.
Sad but amazing. That helped me so much with my series it was incredible. And... in a weird way it was personally inspiring for me, too.
No kidding. You started sobbing when Joe died.
It hurt too much at that point. I was an absolute mess from then right up until the credits rolled.
I'd watch it again, though. I liked it a whole lot.
We all did. Your dads keep quoting it, too.
Hey, that's my favorite injoke right now, of course I'm going to quote it.
My favorite injoke is currently the crispy snack crackers.
Hee hee!
Yeah, that one is Xenophon's. And mine is still the postcard shit. Which you still owe me.
I swear, Laurie, with my drawing class this semester? First free time I get there, I am drawing that for you.
Good. January 16th is your deadline.
Oh dude, that would be perfect. I am doing this now, for sure.
Haha!
Seriously, are we up to date now? With the recap?
Almost. There was an update on the 27th about "not taking myself seriously enough."
Explain?
That was... oh. Chaos, that was when I... when you couldn't reach me.
Oh.
I remember this shit now.
He couldn't reach you?
It was September all over again. I tried to talk to him, but he wasn't there. I looked in his eyes and he wasn't there. It hurt. It was terrifying.
Sounds like your fourth incident in reverse.
...
Sorry.
No, it's true, I guess.
I don't know how in the world I fell so far. It was terrifying.
I know how. You really weren't taking yourself seriously enough. You were trying to live up to someone else's life, weren't you? Someone whose life had absolutely fucking nothing to do with yours, and who you shouldn't have been associating with at the time anyway.
...Yeah. I forgot that she was dangerous. I cared about her too much.
I know. Thank God Julie isn't dangerous anymore.
...There's someone like I used to be?
No, fuck no. There's just someone who is rather similar to the old you, except not maliciously, and Jewel should not be fucking near them right now and yet he was, because he forgot how they had hurt him in the past.
Unintentionally!
Still fucking hurt. You need to keep your boundaries up, kid. You need to respect yourself.
Do you think it's apathy? Or self-hatred?
What?
The reason why this keeps happening. There's something underneath the surface, besides my hope and forgiveness. There's something dark, I think.
Personally? I think it's the perfectionist problem again. Why were you trying to live up to what she was?
I just... I forgot that her life doesn't apply to me.
Why?
I don't know.
Then maybe some part of you still doesn't believe that you have your own exceptional path to follow. Be careful.
But Laurie, Chaos couldn't reach me. He was in pain and he was trying to talk to me and I couldn't hear him. I... I was there in form but not in spirit. What in the world happened?
...I don't know. The fuck do you mean, he was in pain?
I was. Whatever was going on, it was going too far. I honestly think I got lucky in getting through to him.
You reminded some part of my heart of 2003.
...
What did he do?
He told me to stop, flat-out, as close as he could. An indirect "what are you doing?" And it snapped me to my senses, and I was scared out of my mind, and then you remember what a mess all of us were afterwards.
No kidding, I was pissed. Chaos was freaking the fuck out.
And then we got Menchou back in here.
Is she the dog girl?
She's the dog girl. I haven't seen Veradenne but I think Menchou is just flying solo right now so as to not overload me. I'll have to ask about her.
But she is around. Menchou, I mean.
Yeah, is she becoming permanent up here or what?
That's your call, kid. Talk to her about it, not me.
All right.
Why is Menchou up here now?
She's able to ghost, very limitedly, but she can access locked-out spaces that no one else up here has been able to access, ever, thanks to traumatic hacks in my past. So if stuff gets bad and Laurie can't mentally reach me, Menchou can actually ghost in and help me out almost directly. Which has already helped me once already, at least in keeping stable. I've been meticulous with triggers lately, as my Tumblr feed got lethal again so I had to unfollow without mercy, so to speak. It helped.
That's good.
Why do you follow these people if they trigger you?
Because they didn't post triggering things when I followed them, and they don't see those things as problematic. So I just have to quietly click the 'unfollow' button and be on my way. My mental stability is more important than what's on my dashboard, in every case.
True.
So that was the 27th. I just need to be vigilant about that, I think.
You do.
And then... on the 29th there was another dream hack, and this time it threw me so far off center I immediately started writing about it. That entry is full of pain.
What was it about?
That's when I realized that I was having these dark things thrown at me to see if I could stand strong in spite of them. I had been doing spiritual research over the past few days, remember Laurie?
Yeah.
And I read an article that triggered me horrifically, unintentionally of course, and I was just so sick and tired of it by that point that I just started ranting about it. Actually, that helped a lot, because it burned away my self-doubt and made me realize that yeah, I really was on the right track, even though it was a very different track than the ones people kept trying to lead me towards, and that article actually proved it to me despite the triggering.
Did it really?
It really did. Thanks to the 23rd, again. That was just so undeniably true that I actually refused to let doubt creep at me concerning what I was being led to believe anymore. I know I'm being vague, but like I said, I'm tired of this topic.
I don't blame you.
But yeah, I was incredibly unstable on the 29th. As usual, though, it forced me to realize a deeper problem. That's when I understood that I've been 'taking shortcuts' in solving this problem in the past, because yes I'm tired of it, but it also scares me to death. So when I'm trying to fix it, I still want to get away from it as fast as possible, and I rush through the job. With the dream hacks returning, I need to review what I've done so far, and figure out what our next step is without putting myself in danger or compromising whatsoever. Even if that's just being vigilant.
That might be all you can do right now, yeah. With the shit you figured out about it that morning, you should have an easier time with that now. I'm just concerned about how fucking sensitive you are to it right now. Nat was right, you've been an absolute mess today. And speaking of Natalie, you haven't said a word since I yelled at you, are you really okay?
Yeah. Just trying to center myself too.
Smart move. Jewel, you still tired?
Yeah, it's late.
Let's wrap this shit up then. What happened yesterday?
Well, my mom distracting me from my pain was good because it calmed me down enough to actually work on Dream World yesterday. I think Xenophon spent most of yesterday with me too, because she was worried about me.
I did! It was fun. And I was worried about you. I still am.
Holy fuck, she's still up too. You okay?
Yeah, just tired! But I wanna see the new year thing. Then I'll go to bed.
Same here, love. The things we do for special occasions, seriously.
Yeah, no shit. So, yesterday.
Yesterday was great. I finally figured out what I need to do to make my typing work easier, I spent nearly the whole day listening to new music which was lovely, and I found out that Xenophon loves clementines.
I do!! They're so good they're delicious! And you promised you were making me that kale soup, you need to do that.
I will, as soon as possible. I find it hilarious how you and Genesis are both addicted to the first food you ever ate, though.
Butterscotch ice cream over here.
What's that?
You don't know what that is?? Jewel, this needs to be fixed!!
Haha, I'll fix it in the summertime!
Is it good?
It's good but I can't eat it. But that's okay, Genesis introduced you to eggnog the other day, and that was amazing.
Is this where the new drinking contest joke came from?
Yeah, I was helping my mum with shopping, and Genesis just grabbed a carton off the shelf and started chugging it down, it was absolutely hilarious.
It's good stuff, Jewel!
You drank a whole carton of eggnog! Right in the middle of the dairy section! And no one had a clue. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
That sounds fucking brilliant, you're right.
And how does this tie into a drinking contest?
Because Chaos is the king of champagne, and the thought of those two getting utterly smashed is pretty fucking hilarious.
Can you two even get legitimately drunk?
Let's find out.
Not now, dude, seriously.
I'm kidding, love.
Hey, back to last night, kid.
Yeah, you've been leading up to this the whole time, I want to hear about this.
...I... don't know if I can talk about it.
What happened?
Are you okay?
Yeah I'm okay, I'm just...
Fragile.
...Exactly. You know how I bought that one commission on the 23rd? Of Chaos and I?
Yeah.
Apparently, innocently close things can drive me off the deep end a lot faster than even a connection buildup can.
You're serious.
Totally serious, you should've seen him.
Chaos, really.
Just trying to lighten the mood is all.
Yeah, Jewel, that hit you hard.
It was close. Close things get me point blank and I can't take them sometimes.
Dad, was this after the concert too?
What?
I remember you saying, before you connected, that you thought you were going to break if you got too close? Did that happen?
Almost.
That was an 'almost?'
I don't know. Yeah, it was. A full break would have ended with me sobbing like an idiot, probably.
And this is a positive thing?
Overwhelmingly so.
What happened?
...
Jewel is apparently really sensitive at certain points.
Was that a pun, Laurie?
Very much so.
If you get me there I think I'll die. I'm serious.
Why me? Shit, Chaos has experience and better rights than I do on that level.
Yeah, but remember what we said when you hit god tier.
...What about it?
How the hell did you get this far, this fast? And you're at a different level overall. With this sort of thing, I think that actually makes Jewel more fragile around you.
I don't know. I don't think I'd let her get so close right now. Chaos, you are emotionally killing me with that and even thinking about it is driving me to tears, I'm sorry.
...Is this something you guys can talk about?
I don't know.
I... I just break, when people get too close.
But you had a connection. A connection. And this apparently didn't happen.
This was different, ironically. I can handle powerful, total things like that better than I can handle the quiet, small things. A lot better.
You can take a brick to the face but one touch will completely unravel you.
I can take a freight train to the heart but...
Yeah.
...
What's this about?
Why're you asking? We're trying to explain.
No, I... I'm worried? He's in a lot of pain, and I just... don't understand why.
Leon, hear me out, man. It's pressure points. Weak spots. You can hit a dartboard as much as you want, completely cover it with arrows, but it doesn't really hit hard until you get a bullseye. I'm a dartboard right now, and Chaos has really freaking good aim.
What's he hitting?
My heart, really. And this is getting me bad. Am I really unraveling, Laurie?
Yep.
Shit, I need to pull myself together.
Dad?
Your dad is a bit of an emotional mess at the moment, kid. Don't worry, this isn't negative. He's just fragile.
This isn't a bad thing. Why do I fall apart so easily?
Because you're so sensitive. You don't have any fucking walls up at all.
And that's not bad?
Not here. Here, that's amazing. You're the strongest person I know because of that.
Then why am I falling apart?
Life and death, maybe.
...
You told me you look like a taijitu inside, didn't you.
I do. We do.
Don't you love symbolism?
Yeah, but we already discussed that.
No, I mean more abstract symbolism. Broader meanings. Aren't you obsessed with the little things? Tiny little details, that you'd never notice unless everything else was quiet and you just looked, in total honesty. Blood and sunlight.
...Don't bring that up now.
I'm bringing it up now, kid. You remember what the end of January 16th was like? Just like this. You fell apart.
...
And that was not a bad thing.
I'm not saying it is. Then... why am I worried?
No walls, kid. No boundaries, no spikes at all. You're completely open here. And you're freaking out a little because even you don't realize how vulnerable you are like this. But you still let people in. And then you feel too much.
And it scares me.
Why?
I feel so much.
From Chaos?
Obviously. And that's why this simple little commission is driving him up the wall.
Why? What did she draw?
Closeness. Honest closeness is all, and Jewel almost forgot what that felt like.
The last time I felt something like that was July 7th. And maybe... maybe October 12th. With you.
...
...Laurie?
Sup?
What's going on with you two?
Stuff. Just stuff is all.
You're being infuriatingly vague, Laur.
Infuriatingly? That's a strong word.
We've all been asking you about this for months, and you refuse to open up to us. I respect the fact that you have secrets, but now you're kind of lying to our faces here.
Lying by omission doesn't count. Doc Scratch said so.
I think you're just as nervous as he is.
And what if I was?
...How involved are you in this?
In what?
With those two.
Genesis still has several steps ahead of me.
How many?
Fuck if I know.
Jewel?
Yeah?
How close is Laurie to Genesis' position? Concerning you?
Like placement? In terms of what?
In terms of how close you let them get to you.
Well that's very arbitrary. Laurie is ahead of Genesis on some levels, and behind him on others.
Hm.
Lynne, why are you asking about this?
I'm just curious is all. Just curious.
Why?
You don't talk to us about this. And frankly I'd like to know about it.
Why the hell is that any of your business?
Why the hell wouldn't it be? I worry about you too. We're practically sisters, as weird as that might sound to you. And you don't say a word to me about 90 percent of your personal life. All I know of you comes from your axe-swinging days, and these conversations. You're an enigma to all of us outside of hearsay. And considering that you're one of the most important people in Jewel's life, and the absolute top-ranking guardian up here, that's a little disconcerting.
Because I'm secretive? Hell, don't ever get involved in politics, then.
I'm serious, Laurie. You yell at everyone else to open up, to 'chill out,' to stop fighting and causing trouble. But you don't say a word when we ask you about things like this.
Totally different context, Lynne.
Not really. We're open with you. If we're upset, or concerned, we tell you. We express that. You lock everything up, and no one knows how to deal with you, or even approach you sometimes. No one except Jewel. And that's why I'm asking.
Lynne, I've been protecting the guy for years. Since he was sixteen. That's my life.
Is he your life?
Basically. If you want to put it that way.
Was that a pun?
Take a guess.
...
Laurie, really.
The fuck do you want now, Jo.
I've seen more of you personality-wise than Lynne has. You remember last year.
Yeah, and what about it?
You are secretive.
So fucking what? Why is everyone jumping on me about this topic? Why the fuck can't you ask me about something else? If I'm so damned secretive I'm sure I have a hell of a lot of secrets tucked away somewhere in the enigmatic shadowy corners of my mind, why don't you ask about those?
Because they all tie back to him.
...
They do, and that's why we're jumping on this topic. No matter how many secrets you may have, you can't deny that sooner or later they all involve Jewel. And the ones you hide the most doggedly, are directly concerned with him. What's going on?
Were you here for the 14th? Of September?
I was.
I know you were, shit. Did you even hear about that, Lynne?
About Xenophon? Vaguely, I learned the details naturally after that went down.
Then maybe you heard that those two are the only fucking reason I'm here.
That's... that's how it is for all of us, though, we work to protect him--
No, fucking literally. You remember that date we keep referring to? December 23rd? Apparently when that first happened in 2005, it set the stage for this violet-haired maniac to steal the show. I stepped into this world that September, behind the guise of a fucking mirror and in the middle of a dream. I didn't even fucking know him, he had no idea who the hell I was. But god damn it, I knew he was important to me somehow. I told him to wake up. And the past six years have been him doing just that.
...What are you?
Fuck if I know. Julie's in the same boat. We were both formed by that red-haired lunatic over there, the one with chaos in his heart, literally and figuratively. Whether he realized it or not, he's the reason Julie and I are even breathing right now. The other five of you are typical headvoices, if there even is such a thing. You were all brought into being more indirectly. Julie and I were pretty fucking specific. We call ourselves headvoices, sure, and for all intents and purposes we are, but we're here for different reasons than you guys are. Julie was here to be the dark, to be the driving force behind our determination, to balance his shadows. I was here to be his knight, to be the driving force carrying him through that shit, to get him balanced himself.
Do you mean 'light?'
Maybe. Ask him.
You're both things to me.
There you go.
So... you're saying he's your life in a job sense after all.
Only partly. We've discussed that.
And the other part is what you won't tell us.
Why should I?
Because honestly Laurie? I want to know. I'm sick of you being such a... a shadow, almost.
A shadow?
You're insubstantial. We can see the general idea of who you are, but that's about it. You're still mostly a mystery, and you're unreachable.
That's a pretty fucking interesting term you used though.
You were dark, back when you first met him.
I needed to be. He asked me to be. It helped. I wasn't a goddamned shadow.
But you never let go of that darkness you still had, not completely.
Yeah, well maybe I needed it.
To do what?
To protect him. I needed an edge to fight the shit I had to face. I still do. We're getting off topic.
Does your absolute secrecy play into that too?
Into what?
Into needing to protect him?
...It used to.
Not anymore?
I don't know.
So what's holding you back?
From what?
From telling us about yourself.
Because it's not that fucking simple. You said it yourself, everything ends up tying back into the anomaly over here.
So that is true.
Of fucking course it's true. That's obvious.
So you expect us to deduce everything about you from what little we can see? It's not working, Laurie. You've been up here 5 years and we know almost nothing about you, not truthfully. I think it's time to change that, considering that the year itself just did.
...What the hell do you want to know.
What everything else seems to be springing from. What is it with you and Jewel.
I'm his superego, his psycho guardian angel. I protect him.
Besides that.
What 'besides that?'
Jewel brought up October 12th. You refuse to talk about it. What happened? And don't say 'stuff,' honestly Laurie.
...
Laurie, I want an answer. What is he to you.
Everything.
Really?
Yeah, really. What, you couldn't fucking tell?
Laurie-- really, you are absolutely infuriating.
Sorry.
I can't read you. None of us can read you. Maybe those two can, but that's because you've obviously decided to open up to them and them alone. Is that only because you're 'protecting them?' Aren't you protecting us too?
...Yeah.
So, talk to us.
I am talking to you.
Not just in general. Laurie, come on, let's get to the bottom of this. All I want to know is why you keep making exceptions for Jewel and refuse to even have civil conversation on a regular basis with any of us.
Exceptions?
Yeah, obviously. Your attitude is totally different around him. All I want to know is why. Truthfully.
...You're acting like I can just give you a simple answer.
Can't you?
No.
...What can you give us?
Not much. Not much at all.
Laurie, for the love of God--
What?? What the hell do you want from me already? You want to know what that kid means to me, fine. He's everything to me. I already said that, you aren't happy with it.
I don't... I don't know what that means to you. Or why. I'm just trying to figure out who you are.
...I didn't think I could trust any of you for years. Because of that damned tar thing. I didn't want to be used, I didn't want anything about me being used against him. And it worked, it really fucking worked, the tar still won't touch me. But I'm fragile too, Lynne. I don't fucking tell anyone. But Jewel is talking about October 12th and you're all missing the point that hey, maybe Laurie isn't the stone-cold bitch we all assumed she is.
That's what I'm trying to say. We don't know that side of you. Only he does.
Maybe I don't trust you with it.
Why not?
...I told you. I'm a lot more fragile than I let on.
...How?
October fucking 12th. That's it, I'm done. Jewel, let's wrap this up.
...What were we building up to?
I don't fucking know. You were falling apart and then the same damn thing happened to me.
Laurie?
Yeah?
Don't close off to them, please. They care about you too.
Not as much as you do.
...
That's what this is about, really. I don't know, maybe it's my own damn fault for being so exclusive. But I don't... I still don't trust anyone but you two, well, three with Xenophon now... but I don't trust anyone but you guys with who I really am. Even a little bit. God that feels weird to say.
What does?
'Who I really am.' Fuck. I really am a secretive son of a bitch.
...What would allow you to trust us, Laurie?
Hurts, doesn't it?
What?
Me not trusting you as much as you'd like. I know it hurts. I'm sorry for that shit. But you've got to understand. I act like the knight in shining armor here, but fuck, I need someone to save me too, sometimes.
...Laurie?
That's what this shit is about, there you go. There's the big secret. The fucking superego guardian up here needs someone to back her up too. Laurie needs someone to run to at the end of the day and she's never had the fucking guts to admit it until now. I act like the boss but I've been pretty damned lonely with this trust shit I've been dealing with. No one got close. Except you, kid. Against all odds you still fucking dared to get close, despite the axes I'd swing at you, despite how I swore at you, despite the blood I spat at you. I fucking tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, god damn it, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?
...
You really did save me, kid. Remember what I told you, almost four years ago now? I wanted to keep you from becoming me. I didn't want you turning into a shadow bitch like I was. I didn't ever want to see you darken enough to close everyone else out, to become so fucking one-sided that as soon as I stopped swearing and tried to be nice to you, you thought something was wrong. Fuck. And then I don't know how the hell it happened, maybe you just wore down my edges, but I softened up. I started trusting you, a little at first, then a hell of a lot. I legitimately cared about you and stopped trying to convince myself it was only in the fucking job description. Did I talk about this before?
Not like this.
Good, then we are breaking ground. Speaking of breaking things, where the fuck did all my walls go? Did you ever realize just how fucking many I had up? No, not you, everyone else. Jewel never fucking sees the walls, that's how he gets so goddamned far, he just keeps walking even if everything is standing in his way. He doesn't give up hope. He didn't give up on me, or Julie, or Chaos, or anyone. But he doesn't realize just how powerful that hope is. He's a spark, an agent, a guide. He's a cause. He's the only reason I started to hope at all. And I didn't realize it, but the moment that happened, I lost a wall. Just one. One of my defenses fell away. You kept doing that, Jewel, and every once in a while I'd throw them all back up. Here's a fucking stronghold for you to get through, scared you half to death. But it was too late. You knew what I looked like behind all that shit. I forget when you first saw that. But you did.
I think it was 2008. That was the day you... it was after my therapists made me think they were going to try and kill you. You started to get really scared but you hid it, completely. Then it got too much and you started to crack, a little, around me. And one day you got mad at me and you slapped me across the face, but then I noticed that you were actually crying, and you hugged me. And then you left without a word.
I did.
And that was the first time you ever showed that you cared, at all.
And now look at me. That was the first wall. It's gone forever. But on the 23rd, you showed me that you don't give a damn about walls either way. You could care less if there was a seven nation army standing in your way. You loved me. You walked straight through that shit. You would have walked through hell to get to me, to anyone, and the fact that my name is even on that fucking list means the world to me. It does.
When was this?
The 23rd, I told you. Right after they decided they'd spent enough time up there in heaven. They were radiating love like goddamned radio towers. I didn't even think I could pick up that channel. And then you fucking looked at me like you did on the twelfth, and I remembered what that felt like, so in fear I put up those walls, I put up every damned defense I've ever had... and you walked right through the damn things. Right through them, as if they didn't even exist. How the hell did you do that?
I don't know.
No, you don't, and that's the fucking beautiful thing. You just do that sort of thing, completely naturally. The most paranoid man on earth would trust you. Fuck, that might even be Leon. Leon, you trust him, right?
Y-yeah.
There you go. But I'm a close second, god damn it, and yet I trust you with my life. I do. That's the fucking truth. You could ask me to die for you right now and I would do it. And god damn it but I'm starting to want to do that for a hell of a lot of people, and it scares me that I'm feeling this much all of a sudden, and that's exactly what you're going through right now, isn't it?
It is.
An arrow straight through the fucking heart. Both of us, this time.
...Well, who's shooting the arrows?
Lynne's the one with the bow, but I don't know if she's responsible for the deeper symbolic aspects of this shit. That might tie into Parnassus.
...How?
Xenophon. What's her role?
How does she tie into this?
How'd she fucking get here? What do you and Chaos have, that allowed the 23rd to happen at all?
...
Love is what you have. Entirely. Absolutely. You run on it, Jewel. I've never met anyone like you. And I love you. I fucking love you. And if you asked me, right now, to match Genesis on this level shit, I'd say yes. I fucking would.
...Are you serious?
I'm dead fucking serious, and don't you start crying on me, I'm close enough to breaking myself.
I- I can't. Laurie, you just...
You essentially fucking proposed on the 12th, remember? We were joking about that shit for weeks. But all our injokes are serious on some level, aren't they.
...
And no, Chaos, don't freak the fuck out, I'm still too goddamned weirded out by the other half of the 23rd.
Well, it's a start.
Yeah, it fucking is. That enough info for you, Lynne? You got me spilling my fucking heart out here. Congratulations.
...Laurie, I didn't know.
No, you didn't. Nobody fucking knew. That's the point. Jewel kept telling me, open the fuck up, you can't be such a fucking hardass, except in much nicer language. You can't stay closed off forever. It's only going to hurt you. And yeah, it hurts like hell. I'm sick of this shit. You want to talk to me? Go right ahead. I couldn't give less of a fuck about fear right now. Fuck that shit, seriously. I'm done. The walls are gone, happy 2012, let's start this shit over for god's sake. I'm tired of what I've been up to this point.
I'm not.
...You saw who I was behind all this shit is why. I think it's about time I actually started trying to be that person.
Don't hurt yourself, Laurie.
What, is that a fucking concern?
Yeah. Don't do what Jewel does. Don't throw yourself into danger without thinking of the cost to yourself.
Fuck, I've been doing that for a few years already, haven't I?
You know what I mean. Just don't be reckless. Think of him.
Please Laurie, be careful, I don't want you suffering like I have. Ever.
...
So that's it.
What's it? I said a fuck of a lot back there.
No, I... can we talk about this later?
Shit, I'd be glad to. But now who's being secretive?
Laurie, really. It's just that we've talked enough in here. Jewel needs sleep. I'd rather continue this after the session is closed.
Works for me. That work for you, Jewel?
Sure.
The 24th going to happen now or what?
Psh, I don't know, if you thought I was fragile before you should look at me now.
I am. You don't look too good.
I think I really am going to shatter. You, and Chaos, are just absolutely lighting me up right now and I can't handle all this voltage. I'm shining fit to break.
Like I said, the 16th of January didn't turn out so bad.
That was different, and you also said that. That was different. This is a whole new year, a new chance. A lot has happened since then. This is a whole different level, Laurie.
Is it?
You saw how I reacted to Chaos last night. I can't take this.
...
Jewel, about that.
What?
...That's not something to be freaking out about. We're all sensitive to certain things.
He's afraid of breaking though.
I am. It hurts. And I just... I love him, but dear God, do you even know what that feels like?
What?
For someone to be that close to you. So deliberately and... honestly, again. Like a rainbow in a raindrop. Like blood and sunlight. Like...
Like weary eyes upon my scars, huh.
The lyrics are different, but I like that better.
Figured you would.
I can't talk about this. It feels almost blasphemous, to be discussing something that... fragile.
Hey, Darian drew it.
That's still close. That's close enough to last night, to July 7th. It's close enough.
...
Jewel?
Yeah?
Sorry I'm not going to be able to finish this conversation.
What do you mean?
I promised you guys a recap. I think it's a little too late for that.
No, Laurie, if you promised them a talk, then talk. I can wait.
You sure?
Of course. Sorry for putting you under so much stress.
It's no problem. I think I needed that. Otherwise who knows how the hell long I would have dodged your questions?
Heh, you have a point.
So are we leaving?
You guys can leave if you want, sure.
Laurie?
Huh?
Thank you.
For what?
For protecting him, and all of us. Thank you for that.
...Well shit, I didn't expect to hear that from you. You're welcome.
Thanks for letting me live, too.
I had already killed you once, skeleton boy. It wouldn't have been fair to do it twice.
Seriously, Laurie. I didn't think I'd make it. Thank you.
Is everyone going to be thanking me now? Is this the new way to ring in the new year? Everyone smother Laurie with thank yous until she thinks she's at the fucking Academy Awards?
Well, we do have reasons to thank you.
No shit, the hell are you thanking me for?
Not killing me.
I could have.
But you didn't.
I tried, a hell of a lot of times.
But you didn't, still.
That's nothing to thank me for.
Then I'll thank you for giving me a second chance too. For actually... forgiving me. For letting me stick around now. That means a lot to me.
...Guess it does.
Thanks.
Not sure what to say to that, but... you're welcome, I guess. Jo, you going to fucking thank me or what?
I'll thank you for not being more of an ass than you already are, sure.
Hey!
Just busting ya. Thanks for letting me on the team. And... trusting me as much as you did last year.
...Yeah. Almost forgot about that.
I didn't. Chill out, okay?
Sure, fine.
...
Last in line, huh. What's the deal?
Thanks for yelling at me earlier?
Really?
Yeah. Guess I needed some sense knocked into me.
Hey, I do that to Jewel all the time, it's no problem. I've gotten good at it. But shit gets upsetting up here, you had every reason to be angry.
Yeah but you didn't have to help me out with it, so thanks.
Geez, everyone is acting like I went fucking out of my way to do all this shit.
Which is exactly why we're thanking you. You didn't, did you?
Well no, not really.
You may be shadowy and enigmatic, but you've got a good heart, and we all know that even if we don't say so. We're just worried about you.
No fucking reason to be worried, I'll manage.
Then we just care about you, too. How's that?
...Best late Christmas present I've got so far. Thanks.
I'll see you later, Laurie. Don't keep them up late.
Yeah, yeah, I won't.
...
So.
I'm speechless.
No fucking shit, I'm worn out. Jewel, how much do you want to talk about?
First, let's get my daughter to bed, because it's almost 2 in the morning.
Mmmokay dad. M'just tired.
That's the point, beautiful.
Your dad's right. You need sleep.
But I'm worried 'bout you too. n'Laurie.
We've got that shit settled out for now, kid. You're half asleep.
Mmaybe.
Yes you are. Get to bed, kid.
Mph. I think you're gonna have to take me there dad.
Want me to walk her out?
Carry her out, please, I unfortunately can't leave this channel.
Sure. Be right back.
Love you dad. You too dad. And Laurie.
We know.
We love you just as much, kid.
Fucking hell of a lot of love going around here.
No kidding? Did you mean what you said to Jewel?
What part? But yeah, I was being totally fucking honest. That rarely happens in polite and pleasant company.
The part about saying yes if he had asked you to connect with him.
...Why the hell wouldn't I mean that?
Shit, Laurie, that is serious is why.
How fucking serious? I'm the only one of our four-man band who hasn't fucking done that yet, and god damn it but I would if that was offered.
Why?
Because I've got a pretty damned dark red diamond is why.
All right, I'm back. What'd I miss?
Not much. That was fast.
Yeah, I teleported her over. She is really tired, it's kind of cute. So what's up, Laurie?
The hell do you think is up? I'm an emotional mess is what.
Are you gonna be okay?
Should be. Yeah. In time, at least.
...So.
So?
Plans for tomorrow?
Putting up my Homestuck calendar, for one.
Heh, there's something.
No, really, I mean for us. Are we really going to try to accomplish what we weren't able to on the 24th?
Yeah, I'd like that, if you couldn't tell.
About that. Genesis, Jewel was talking to me about this earlier.
...
He's a little nervous about bringing you into this.
Why?
Energy mismatch? Jewel, how'd you put it?
You're a little too exuberant sometimes, love. Just a little too straightforward. I've been breakable recently. I don't want you rushing into this when I wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally.
...Well you can just tell me that, that's okay.
We can't do it like we did in 2008 or so. Not like to Ferry Corsten. Now the music's different. Now we've got Dare-Gale playing for two hours while I get completely lost in the mind and heart of a demigod.
...
All connections are different though.
I don't know if anyone's even getting close to connecting tomorrow. Point is, I said we're all doing this together. This is October 12th times two. Plus one. And Laurie can tell you, that had a very specific kind of mood.
Yeah, Laurie, what happened on the 12th? You were still kind of vague about it.
I took my bandages off. I let Jewel get close. And I fucking collapsed emotionally.
Really?
Really. He's too goddamned innocent, it hurts to look into eyes like that when you're hardened like this. I'm still too brutal at heart. He's a fucking softie.
No walls at all.
Not a single one. I felt almost guilty, letting this sparkling thing look at me like he did and I was still secretly terrified. But yeah, mood-wise it was very deep. Does that count as a mood for us?
I think it does. It's not sad, not exactly, just... emotionally charged. Deep, yeah, that fits.
There you go. Piano key moods. Catastrophes and sunshine.
Not blood and sunlight?
You only get that close to Chaos, and that's what makes you shatter. No, I'm talking about rifle recoil and Coldplay. Open seas and daylight.
...
Rainbows and waterfalls, couldn't live without.
Everything is beautiful.
That's yours.
Mine hasn't been used as a title yet.
Maybe we should title this one after his?
That would be ironic, I barely did anything in this conversation.
Well, he and I are honorary Striders now, it could work.
Maybe. Laurie, I'm just wondering what you mean by a deep mood for tomorrow though.
Genesis, I don't know if we've had something like that in a while. We're usually stupidly optimistic, and I love that, but... when was the last time we really just calmed down and kind of just were together? Honestly?
...I don't know. There's little bits of that here and there, but... nothing big in a while.
Because that's all that happened on the 12th. Chaos and I fall into that state naturally at this point. For Laurie it was hard, she barely managed. For you, I'm sure you can hit it, but... I don't know, I feel kind of bad asking you to stop being so bright and bubbly for a while.
I can do that.
It wasn't the 'bright and bubbly' part you were worried about, Jewel. It's the fact that he's a little too straightforward for you sometimes.
Am I?
You are.
Just a little. I mean I'm not submissive, at all, but I take things slowly. Carefully. The last time I was with you you literally just jumped in. It was a little overwhelming.
I can not do that, though. It's not a problem.
To not do that?
Sure.
Geez, I was afraid you'd be offended, thank you for not freaking out on me.
Why would I be offended?
I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting my perfectionist fear. I'd start panicking that maybe I was doing something wrong.
You've got to stop that shit, Jewel. There are no rules here, remember?
Yeah, we wrote the rulebook and then we broke that too.
It's more fun that way.
It is.
So are we doing this shit tomorrow or what?
Depends on how much sleep I get, guys. It's 2 in the morning.
Yeah, I know, but... I kind of miss just talking like this.
I do too.
...
Chaos?
Just thinking about last night is all.
Yeah, Jewel, you fell apart.
I'm fragile, Laurie. He puts me to music, I can't deal with that sometimes. You know what that feels like.
Yeah, but God, you really fell apart. Is it really that different from a connection?
What did he do?
I let Chaos get close to me, but not in a total way. Not absolute, here let's completely freaking soulmerge kind of close, but... quiet close?
Why can't you take that from other people?
Maybe it's my fire. I can do that to other people, I do that to Chaos a lot, but as soon as the tables are turned and people are looking at me like I look at them and treating me like I'm an expensive violin I really don't know how to handle it, and I shatter inside. I feel everything.
Like an expensive violin?
We put him to music, Laurie. I think it's a fitting metaphor.
More like a harp, I was thinking, with all the heartstrings he's got.
...
True.
What were you doing though?
I don't want to talk about it, it's too freaking intimate.
I repeat, Dare drew you two being that close.
I didn't expect her to. You see how I'm reacting now. For some reason I'm not used to that.
Don't get used to it, mister Estar, that's not the point.
What is, then?
The point is you wouldn't keep bringing this up if you weren't bothered by it. Are you afraid of feeling that much from him?
I'm afraid of feeling that much from something that delicate, period.
Delicate?
Jewel, have you ever talked about that one Wednesday morning online?
...
March 2nd. Go fucking figure, actually.
...No. I tried telling Jacob and Melody once, but... I don't think they understood.
Is that what's making you feel so damned guilty talking about it now?
Maybe unconsciously.
Forget that shit.
I am. Judgments or even a lack thereof don't matter.
Misinterpretations do.
...Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of with everything I do now.
Don't be. It doesn't change the truth of things. Ever.
I know.
Do you believe it?
Yes.
Good. That's important.
I know.
So what happened on the second?
...I... how do you summarize that?
I don't know if you can.
You freak out when people get that close. Why? Are you afraid of being hurt or what?
No, I... maybe I just don't feel like I should be feeling that. Like it's okay if everyone else in the world can experience that. I actually used to love watching other people do things like that. Laurie, maybe that's what you do. I'm just... so inspired, so moved, by seeing love move like that between two people, so sincerely, so completely innocently.
Yeah, that sounds like what I do.
Then why don't you feel like you're allowed to feel it? That makes no sense.
It can't be gender dysphoria, because you get this reaction up here too.
No, it's not dysphoria on any level, I don't think, but... maybe it's just my misplaced guilt drive again. My family has always been very defensive and secretive, in a bad way. When I was a kid I would hide just to write my stories, just to draw. I remember even throwing out my favorite stories after I wrote them, because the thought of my parents reading them was so distressing. If someone caught me being so honest, I felt guilty, almost dirty. They made close and intimate things seem so wrong, because everyone in my family was so distant and angry and no one was ever close or sensitive to anyone else. And because that was one of the deepest parts of my nature, I always felt like I had to hide myself, to lie about myself, to deny that side of myself. Maybe that's where a lot of my current problems come from. I've never thought about it that way before.
That's why you always look for childlike innocence even in the things that hurt you.
I see it. I don't just look for it, it's there when I do it, but...
But not for anyone else.
No. And I've... I've paid in blood for that.
I know.
And now you don't have to hide that anymore, and Chaos is perfectly willing to have that with you in the most honest way I have ever seen, and you're still terrified.
I know...
Why won't you let go of it?
Of what?
The feeling like it's wrong somehow, to feel so much from someone, like that. It's not. It can't be, by virtue of what it is.
...
Listen, if you calm down, I'll calm down. I'll try not to freak the fuck out tomorrow or whenever we do this shit.
Why do you freak out though?
I'm not used to feeling that much.
Neither am I.
Seriously?
Seriously.
The hell's the difference? No way that's stronger than a connection.
Different level. He hasn't worked on this level since he was a kid, and we've had shadows tearing at it for a few years now.
...
So you don't get guilt or anything when people get close to you.
Fuck no, I just get terrified because my paranoia isn't gone all the way yet. I know you won't hurt me, but shit, letting anyone get that close to me is one hell of a risk. At least, that's what my instincts keep telling me, even now. And yours keep saying that letting anyone get that close to you is wrong, because why?
Because...
Remember what Josephina said. Check your facts.
It's not wrong. I thought it was when I was a kid. I didn't understand.
So now you're just scared of how much you feel.
I don't know how to explain that. It's different from the 23rd. It's a different context.
You don't have to explain it, I know how it feels.
Not exactly, Laurie.
You sure? You do remember the 12th, right?
...
I know what that feels like.
Jewel?
Yeah?
I don't have to do that if you don't want me to.
No, I... I need that, somehow? That trust, that complete candor of it. The fact that it's you, like that, with me, and I just...
Hey, I've got an idea. How 'bout we stop talking about this shit and you two go figure this out firsthand? Think you can deal with that?
I... maybe. I hope so. Chaos, if I start crying or something ridiculous like that, don't mind me.
Crying isn't ridiculous. It happens, and you feel enough for it to happen often. It's not a fucking flaw, at all. Get that out of your head.
...
Just because I'm a fucking statue doesn't mean you have to be one.
Laurie, you're not that expressionless.
I used to be. I had two modes, pissed off and fires of hell. That was it. Then Jewel decided he was going to write in all these new fucking modes and it took me a really long time to figure out that shit. But the point is Jewel is still denying his emotions. You don't need to be anyone's tough guy. You're stronger than the most musclebound action hero on the planet with that heart of yours. Believe me.
...
Listen, you need sleep. Genesis, you got anything to contribute to this?
Not really. I just want to make sure Jewel is okay before I leave. I'm tired too, but he doesn't look so good.
He's a bit of an emotional shambles. He'll be okay, promise.
Laurie's right, I'll pull myself together soon enough. I just... I feel so weird not being able to reach a good conclusion on this topic. I don't know what I'm even trying to say.
You want to be close to Chaos but you're afraid you're too fragile to handle it. Sounds like the 23rd, different level, different sort of overload.
Yeah.
He kicked you into blue fairy mode last night, didn't he?
Really, Laurie.
He did, though, the injoke has come full circle. Now you're a real man, so stop fucking trying so hard.
Laurie, you're making me laugh over here, stop it.
No, you need to lighten up, you haven't smiled in like two goddamned hours.
Well now I'm smiling, there you go.
Good. You two going to be okay?
Why, are you leaving?
No, we're all leaving at once, I don't want this going on for another five hours. I mean are you going to be okay after the session is over?
Define okay, Laurie.
Are you going to be a negative emotional mess or are you two somehow going to find a way to work this out for the best?
My money's on the latter.
Mine too. You two always seem to do that whether you're trying or not.
Which is good, because I do try too hard.
You do. Listen, Jewel. Crying, falling apart, being sensitive and all that? It's fucking fine. If it happens, it happens. I actually admire that you can do that. So don't beat yourself up over it or go on a guilt trip. It is fine and I don't want you suppressing that shit. All right?
All right.
Chaos, I am holding you responsible for getting him to at least one of those.
What? Why?
It's 2012. I want this shit fixed. Get him through fragility without freaking out, somehow. If he falls apart, make sure it's not into fragments.
I'll make sure, I promise you that.
I'll fall apart into... a kaleidoscope. Maybe.
No dissolving poet mode, not now, it's too late even for that. Channel it into the blue guy.
Into the blue guy?
Yeah, why the fuck not?
Sounds good to me. Jewel, I'm taking her up on this offer, let's get moving.
Now you're making offers on my behalf, Laurie. Whatever will you think of next.
God only knows, kid. Hey, Genesis?
Yeah?
You don't have to be a fucking spectator, you know.
I know, I'm just watching.
He's learning from you, be careful.
Hey, you two are fucking inviting me now, I'm the one who needs to be careful!
Maybe I should stick around and just be a spectator, then.
Nope, that's it for tonight, we're closing this up. I think we're all worn out in one way or another.
That's for sure.
I do want to spend time with you guys soon. Tomorrow, hopefully. If not then Monday. But I love all of you so much. I just don't want to be a mess when it happens.
You won't be. I've got faith in you, kid. Chaos, take care of him for me.
And me, by the way. You have the night shift now.
I've always had the night shift, Gen.
No, I used to hang out with him until he fell asleep, remember? Back in the old days!
Never like this, though.
No, not like this, I did that in the mornings.
Did you?
Uh, yeah, Ferry Corsten? That was at like 7AM. Chaos, when was yours?
Like 10PM or something. It was late.
Laurie, you need to find something right in the middle there.
Fuck, guys, that's up to Jewel and I'm not rushing a damn thing. It was an acceptance in advance, I don't care if it never even fucking happens. It's the thought that counts.
Yeah, and you know how important thoughts are.
You have a point.
But no, I won't rush anything. I need to get myself stable first and I'm not ready for that either. First step is getting over this fragility freakout. Chaos, you're going to need to walk me through it. Slowly.
Slowly?
Yeah. I... I don't know, I write all this poetry about you when I'm up late, and then I actually see you like this, and all the words go out the window. Fantastic Plastic Machine.
Hm.
It's true.
I know.
...
Guys?
What?
Stop staring at each other like that before you make us two want to get involved.
Yeah, no kidding, you're making me jealous.
Of which one of us?
Haha, both of you, maybe!
We've got the weirdest fucking foursome in history going on here.
It's asexual, for one, that's weird enough.
No kidding.
Wait, how does it go four ways?
Well, it technically doesn't unless you and I get involved, and frankly that is way too fucking weird for me right now.
Yeah, uh, no offense but that's really weird for me too.
None taken.
Wait, just us? Not you and Chaos?
Genesis, the night of the 23rd was pretty weird.
What did you do.
I snogged her is what.
It was a dare and it was weird as hell, man! You two were way too fucking high on life and shit, I figured why the hell not?
Still happened.
Yeah, whatever, that's still confidential and if you tell anyone outside of our freakish camaraderie I will gut you like a fish.
I'd like to avoid that, so my lips are sealed.
You're going to have to kiss her eventually, Genesis.
Oh shut up, CZ.
That's how it goes, buddy! Jewel makes everyone strangely gay and polyamorous, I guess.
S'what we get for falling in love with a genderless freak, huh.
Well technically that does make us all gay, because we're all genderless freaks.
That's my point.
But the polyamory thing just happens because I love everyone and I guess it rubs off on people.
No shit, you've done that downstairs already, too.
I know. I love it.
We do need talks like this more often.
I'm all for it.
Not this late though, seriously.
Haha, no kidding! You two get out of here, I'll close this up.
I'm not staying in here alone with you after what Chaos just said!
Geez, Gen, chill the fuck out, I'm not making moves on anyone.
I'm kidding.
I should've guessed.
No, we're weird enough for that to be a valid concern.
True.
Guys, we're not gone yet.
Get the fuck out of here, you do have things to settle.
That we do.
Be careful with him, by the way.
I will be.
See you two in the morning.
Yeah, you too.
Good night, Jewel. You too, Chaos.
See you guys.
Well.
Well what?
Well, do you want to just close this up and avoid the awkwardness or what?
Uh, maybe? Or we can just be ironic and stand around and not do anything.
We could. But it's like 3 in the morning, this is really goddamned late.
Did you really kiss Chaos?
Technically he got me, because Jewel got me like three fucking times and then dared me to get Chaos and I thought why the fuck not. I couldn't exactly argue with him at that point.
Yeah, Jewel can be very convincing.
Haha, no fucking kidding. So how the hell is tomorrow going to go down?
Is it tomorrow?
I hope so. Tonight was insane enough to need a near-immediate followup.
Probably. You had a rough time in here.
Eh, I guess it had to happen. I'm really hoping Jewel and Chaos are okay though.
What, with the fragility?
Yeah. Jewel does break easily. It worries me sometimes.
It worries me too. But I don't get why he's breaking around Chaos.
Because of how fragile it is. You heard him earlier, it's pressure points. And Chaos knows him like a book already. Jewel has him memorized, but I've got the feeling it goes both ways even if the blue guy doesn't talk about it.
That's pretty amazing.
What?
The memorizing thing. How they're actually able to do that.
Well you've seen them, haven't you? They're all over each other in one way or another. Chaos just fucking melts into him and vice versa.
...
What, you jealous?
No, no, just... well, maybe a little bit.
Really?
Really. I just wish I could spend more time with Jewel like that too. I got to a lot when he was in high school, but it was always just barely at that level, and then 2008 happened and I guess everyone suffered from that.
Jewel does feel kind of intimidated by you sometimes.
Why?
I guess you don't go into fragility mode like he does. Even if it's not as severe as what they're doing tonight, both he and Chaos do get awfully fucking fragile when they get close.
Hm.
And that seems to be a sort of natural state for Jewel. Totally fucking open, no boundaries. Apparently Chaos does keep some up still but I think Jewel just burns right through the damn things anyway.
You said he broke straight through yours?
Not broke, walked. He acted like they weren't even there and it fucking worked.
Wow.
Wow is right, you don't know what that shit felt like. You hear him talking about fragility? I have never felt that completely fucking defenseless in my life. And in a good way!
How so?
Like I didn't need to have any goddamned walls up. It was scary to not have the damn things, but it was such a huge relief to know I could trust him like that, I guess. I dunno. It's new to me.
Huh. So you're saying maybe I need to be more fragile with him.
Just be less aggressive, I guess.
I'm aggressive?
Fuck, I'm aggressive, but I break easy, believe it or not. You actually seem to have a good head on your shoulders there.
What do you mean by aggressive though? What am I doing?
You're going to have to ask Jewel for specifics. He's the one that brought this up to me. I see that you're just unflinchingly determined. You want something, you go after it. You want to be with Jewel, you're focused on that. Jewel doesn't fucking focus on that at all. It's weird. It's like he's doing something completely different, and I think the personal factor of that is what freaked me out on the 12th the most.
Personal factor?
The flipside of this fragility shit. Jewel gets obsessed with people. You know how I said he looked at me?
Yeah.
That wasn't just a compassionate look or anything like that. That was like... God, how do I explain it? It's like... fuck, like he was seeing me for the first time or something.
Maybe he was.
...Yeah, but... every damn time? He still looks at Chaos like that!
I think that's just how he works.
Yeah, well, it's fucking awesome, and I hope he never quits.
I thought you said it freaked you out!
It did! No one has ever looked at me like that! But damn, it felt kind of amazing to have someone care that much all of a sudden. Or all along, and to just realize it then. I dunno. I'm tired.
Join the club.
Guess we'd better close up then.
Guess so. Otherwise this'll go on forever.
Nah, you need to sleep, that would eventually cut it short.
You don't sleep?
Not typically.
Geez.
Maybe I'll talk to the Sandman, see if he can convince me to take a legitimate snooze every once in a while. As of now though I've got too much fucking work to do.
Like what do you do at night?
Used to be security. Now it's almost like a break, if there's nothing to settle from the day before, and if there's no one I need to contact or go looking for. You've seen what Jewel's done with our headspace, right?
Yeah, it's gorgeous.
He keeps adding to the fucking thing. We've got this huge deck out back now and he added a coffeeshop for nostalgia's sake. So I go wandering around this fucking city sometimes, maybe I'll even add stuff.
You can add stuff?
Limitedly. I've got headspace-warping abilities, God knows how, but they're limited to our space up here as far as I can tell. Jewel and Chaos can do whatever the hell they want wherever they want, thanks to July 7th. I don't know if Xenophon inherited any of that. I honestly hope she did, that would be fucking awesome.
Xenophon is so cool.
Isn't she? She's a fucking sweetheart. I love talking to her.
Really?
Yeah, no shit! Who the hell do you think takes care of her now? Lynne did all the babysitting while she was still developing, but now it's me, that's my job. So when she's not chilling with you or her fathers then I get to hang out with her, and it is fucking boss.
You'll have to invite me over next time that happens, it would be cool.
It would be. Hey, maybe we can drag Leon or Julie over or something, those two need to be more involved with our group.
Does Jewel like Leon?
He likes everybody, that's obvious at this point.
No, I'm just wondering.
He does like Leon, as a friend. I'm the only headvoice he's got a crush on.
Haha.
Well hey, it's the fucking truth.
I know, that's what makes it funny!
But really, we should've closed this shit up way back there.
Uh-oh, don't tell Jewel about this, we're the ones always telling him to close up fast.
Well you know what I say about rules. Break the damn things when you need to.
Within reason?
Yeah, but up here you can do that no worries. So we can talk however the hell long we want, it's not pissing me off.
Oh, so you made this rule, and now you're breaking it.
Damn straight I am.
Is Jewel still listening to that song?
He's got it on loop. Kid gets addicted to music pretty damn fast.
Wasn't he channeling it through Chaos earlier? How does he do that?
He doesn't, he just kind of pushes it in Chaos' direction and he picks up on it. They run it through each other. Those two are joined at the hip, remember.
I think they're joined at more than the hip, Laurie.
Yeah, no shit, and that's where this fragility thing comes in.
You're really worried about that, aren't you?
Yeah, because I felt that on the 12th, and if Jewel gets it that bad I don't want him hurting himself.
Hm. Yeah, he does that a lot more than I'd like.
Join the club!
We can both join each other's clubs, awesome.
What was yours?
Being tired.
I think that's a good place to close up for real, bro.
Hey, I'm not a Strider.
You're the one that started the glasses fad, so I heard.
Yeah, but me being a Strider would be too ironic.
Psh, these fucking injokes, I swear.
Hurry, let's end on another one.
I'll just Kanye shrug and say I've had enough.
That'll work.
Oh, and happy fuckin' new year, because why not.
That too!
2012. Damn. Gonna be awesome.
Not if we don't get some sleep to start it!
Hey, you get sleep, I'll be up partying all night.
No fair!
Just kidding. I'll probably walk in on Jewel and Chaos and see what happens from there.
You've gotta teach me how to do that.
We'll work on it. As of now, this session is over.
That works for me!
Thank God, you're at least easy to work with.
Haha.
No seriously, good night.
You too, Laurie. See you tomorrow.
Inevitably.
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You should be asleep.
True, but I think I'd like to answer this. So, I made this... journal?
Heh, I don't know what the fuck this is.
Yeah, me neither. Whatever this is, I made it completely on a whim in January of 2008, almost four years ago. At the time I was very distraught emotionally, and I needed a place to vent was all. I had no idea you would start contributing to my posts, Laurie.
You needed someone to get you back on track, kid, and you wouldn't fucking listen to me any other time. So I started speaking up.
Well, it worked.
Damn straight it did, look where we are now.
And that's my point. To get back to the matter on hand, Xanga has changed and impacted my life in a very significant way by giving my... headvoices? What do you guys count as?
Headvoices, spirit companions, multiples, whatever. We're a motley bunch.
You are. But this site gave us all a place to talk, where we could solve our problems one step at a time and grow together. Having somewhere to write it down, and a concrete way to do so, has been an absolute godsend.
It helped your channeling skills with us, too. I mean, damn. How the hell long did our June 29th session take?
Sixteen hours, I think.
Holy fuck.
Yeah, but that one was important.
Still. I rest my case.
And I end my answer. Thanks Xanga, for this awesome opportunity.
Haha.
Sorry, I sound like a commercial.
You do, and it's fucking hilarious.
Xanga! The place where superegos and demigods go to discuss their everyday problems.
We've got some serious everyday problems, then, I'll say that much.
I wouldn't say they're problems anymore, Laur. I really love these conversations.
I love when you actually finish these conversations when you say you will. Unfortunately that doesn't happen very fucking often.
Sorry. First time for everything though, right?
You bet.
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